


neverland

by comeon_toparadise



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, and shitty too, death and cliches, emotional dumps, wow this is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-07 06:22:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18614920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeon_toparadise/pseuds/comeon_toparadise
Summary: felix wanted to hate everything, but how could he when he had changbin?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> cross posted on wattpad!

Lee Felix was _gay_.

He was irrevocably, irreversibly, and undeniably gay, and that was the truth of the matter, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. No matter how much he didn't want to admit it to himself.

And he really didn't.

Felix had spent a large part of his life ignoring that that part of himself existed, instead busying and occupying himself with his highly tasking school life and having to face the fact that his parents' marriage life was dwindling, _fast_ , and there was little he could have done about it.

He'd been lucky enough to be a first hand witness of how loving and happy his parents were when he was very young, and how much they'd cared about him and his well-being. But all things, at one point, came to an end, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

Felix's parents _changed_ , and it was for the worst.

His father transformed from the man who had his life together, into this hateful man, comforting himself with alcohol abuse and resorting to physically harming his wife and son whenever he deemed fit.

His mother stopped being there for Felix, and morphed into a woman that was nearly never around, always staying out late at night and busying herself with other men outside.

It was an absolute _mess_.

It was when Felix turned twelve that his parents decided that they'd had enough of each other, and then they called it quits, seperated and then divorced, keeping him in the dark with most of the process.

Lawyers got involved, and there had been a _lot_ of bickering, at least on his parents' end, and they fought a lot too. Finally, it had been decided that Felix would stay with his father, and then his mother packed up her things and left home.

But Felix didn't consider his house a home. It stopped being a home as soon as his parents decided that their marriage wasn't worth it, and proved that they couldn't care less about what their son thought about their recent behaviours. No, they didn't care about him at all.

Felix's father never liked him.

He thought Felix was weak, and foolish, and dumb, and irresponsible, and every negative adjective out there in the world. His father insulted him, spoke harsh words and compared him to his low-life ex-wife, who knew nothing except for sex, as his father put it, and giving her body to whoever wanted it, even though Felix had never done any of those things.

Felix's father hit him many times too, for many reasons. They ranged from hard slaps on the back to solid punches across his face, and the only time he'd stop was when Felix would run inside his room and lock the door shut, trying to drown out the provocative shouts that his father would dart towards him almost daily, and attempting to block out the loud ringing in his ears due to the pain he'd just experienced.

But Felix supposed that there were positives to every situation.

His father worked at a company that had been the sole purpose of Felix's family leaving Australia to come to South Korea for many hours on week days, which meant that he'd come home at night, and by then, Felix would be in his room trying to be as silent and as insignificant as possible.

Weekends were far worse, since his father rarely went anywhere on those two days, so either Felix would go out, or he'd have to brave the inevitable beatings that he'd be subjected to by the man if he was in a particularly bad mood.

Felix often found solace in his room for many moments when his father would go on one of his many temper tantrums, because his father never attempted to enter his room whenever Felix happened to enter there on time. It always puzzled Felix as to why, but he never questioned it. He was just glad that he at least had somewhere to hide, so his father wouldn't hurt him.

When his father wasn't drunk or angry, he'd occassionally ask Felix about his day at school, and how he'd been, and Felix would have no choice but to answer because he didn't know what would happen to him if he didn't. That would then be followed by a snide remark from his father about how hopeless or useless or friendless his son was, and then he'd retreat to his room and leave Felix in silence.

Dinners together were a quiet and infrequent affair, and that was when Felix's father would forcibly ask more about Felix's life, as if he wanted to be a good father for once. As if he wanted to be the good father he once was.

Today was one of those days. The house was quiet and cold, and Felix stared down at his full plate of food that consisted of chicken and greens, pushing them around his plate.

It was a Friday, and his father had came home from work a couple hours ago.

Felix was also clad in a black hoodie that was two sizes too big for him, with large sleeves that hid all the cuts and bruises that his father had inflicted on him -- and the ones that he'd inflicted on himself too.

"How was school today?" His father first asked, feigning interest in his tone. Felix forced himself to look at his face, since his father didn't like it when he always hid his face from him.

"Fine," Felix mumbled, which was the automatic response to that question these days.

"Speak louder. I can't hear you," his father continued. His tone was calm, but it had a noticeable edge to it. It spoke volumes, and Felix knew that he was already walking on thin ice and had to do whatever his father requested of him if he wanted to not end up with fresh bruises tonight.

"School was fine," Felix forced out, his voice considerably louder this time. His grip on his fork tightened. He wanted to leave the area and head to his room for the night. Maybe listen to some music to stop the ugly thoughts threatening to force themselves into his head.

His father nodded, and Felix let out an inaudible sigh of relief.

"Still have no friends?" His father questioned, a smirk gracing his face. Felix resented how much his father looked like him at that moment. "You never bring anyone over here, especially girls. Afraid that they'd have to come across me?"

Felix's eyes lingered on his father's own for a few seconds before dropping them on his plate of cold food. "No."

"How many times do I have to tell you to watch me when you speak, goddamnit! You think you can disrespect me?!"

Felix looked back up and quickly shook his head. "N-No, dad--"

"Don't call me that word!" Felix's father immediately cut in, nostrils flaring in anger. Felix naturally coiled in into himself, anticipating whatever beating or insult his father was about to hurl his way. "You don't _deserve_ to. You're a pathetic piece of shit that I've had the displeasure of making my offspring! Everyday I come home from work to see your cowardly self hiding in your room and think to myself, what the _hell_ did I do to get such a weak and good-for-nothing son like you! And you don't even have anyone as your friend, at least! You're a loser, a _nobody_ , scum that can't even get a girl for himself. When I was your age, I was getting girls left, right and center! Or--" Felix's father's voice lowered until it became deathly cold, "you'd much rather take it in the ass--"

"S-Stop! Please..." Felix brought up his hands to his ears to block out the noise his father was making, but he could certainly see that he was only making his father angrier.

A glass cup shattered on the wall behind Felix, and he stood up from his chair, his nerves pulsing and throbbing with fear.

That night was simply turning disastrous.

As soon as Felix's father stood up to meet his son, Felix sped into his room and slammed the door shut, not forgetting to lock the door afterwards.

As usual, his father never attempted to enter the room, and Felix's surroundings were enveloped in silence.

With shaky hands, Felix searched for his phone and earbuds, and when he finally found them, sat on the floor and blasted music at full volume into his ears. Tears gushed down his cheeks at a rapid pace as he wrapped his unsteady arms around his knees, trying to disconnect from anything and everything that was happening to him all at once, but failing miserably.

 _This_ was the answer to the question that had been stuck in Felix's mind for months.

Felix's father would never approve of his sexuality. Felix knew he'd never let Felix see another day if he got word of it, and Felix wasn't planning on letting him know either.

He didn't want to die just yet.

_______

 

Felix's attempt at being invisible worked out well for him at school. Hardly anyone paid attention to him, pegging him as the quiet kid who always wore hoodies and always looked depressed. 

 

People were quick to judge him, Felix realized, because he wasn't beautiful, he wasn't loud or friendly, and he wasn't popular either. No one bothered to talk to him, and his teachers always ignored him for the most part. Felix had learned to live with it.

 

Sadness and disappointment was a part of Felix's daily life, and he soon became accustomed to it. There was nothing he could do to change his circumstances, and he was too unlucky to ever consider any possibility of how different his life could've turned out if he actually had people that cared about him near him.

  
Classes were spent at the back of the classroom, blocking out a majority of what the teacher was saying while dark, heavy thoughts surrounded Felix's mind. His thoughts were a lonely place, and once he started thinking, he couldn't just _stop_. He had to go on until the vicious cycle was completed, and then the cycle would begin again.

The History teacher was writing a couple notes on the board at a slow pace, and Felix drifted in and out of the words, quickly copying them down into his used notebook. In doing so, his eyes observed the head of dark grey hair a seated at the far corner to the front, and allowed his eyes to linger on the boy that the hair belonged to for a while.

Hwang Hyunjin was attractive, and pretty, one of the most popular guys in school, and one of the nicest too. He had friends all over, and he was currently chatting with his best friend Kim Seungmin, who was seated next to him, about something, laughing and giggling whilst trying to avoid the stern eyes of the History teacher.

Hyunjin talked to Felix a few times, which was much more than any other person ever did, to be honest. Their conversations consisted mainly of short greetings, in which Hyunjin genuinely looked interested in what Felix had to say, and even though the words exchanged were minimal, they still didn't fail to warm Felix's heart.

Felix wouldn't have minded being Hyunjin's friend, or even something _more_ , but he knew it was foolish of him to consider something like that.

He knew there was no chance of Hyunjin ever showing more interest in him than he had, and he wasn't a female. Felix was a _guy_ , and that ruled out any possibility of Hyunjin ever wanting him the way he did.

It was dumb to even conjure up a thought like that, and even dumber to think that there was any chance of it happening. And even if Hyunjin just so happened to like the same sex, why would he choose to be with _Felix_ , of all people?

No one would believe it, not even Felix himself.

_______

 

Despite Felix's father having a very well-paid job, the school that the Australian went to wasn't really big, and the number of students attending the place wasn't exceedingly large to begin with. 

 

Everyone knew almost everyone, and rumours spread like wildfire. Somehow, news covering just about _anything_ always got out in the nick of time, alerting the students and staff members of whatever was going on in their school.

  
And there was news now.

By lunch on Tuesday at the cafeteria, where Felix sat at a table with two other guys that didn't mind his presence, word had gotten out that a new kid was coming to their school, and the person was a Junior, like Felix was.

The person was also a guy, and that sparked a lot of interest, especially from the girls in Felix's class. The school was known for having a lot of attractive guys, so they were _sure_ the new guy was going to look good too.

Felix never really paid any attention to anything that went on in his school because he had too many things to worry about, and he was certain that the new guy would either be brought into the popular circle a few days from now, or he'd fade off of everyone's radar and become another average student that didn't stand out.

That night, he tended to the cut he'd just sustained, not from his father, but from his own doing. He'd sliced at the skin of his left palm with one of his scissors because he just needed something to distract him from his thoughts that were in complete and utter disarray, and was now bandaging the area, wincing at where the antiseptic stung at his soft skin.

Just as he finished doing so, he heard a door slam downstairs, and decided that he didn't need to have dinner anyway.

It wasn't like he had the appetite to put something in his mouth either way.

_______

 

The new guy arrived the next day.

 

Mr. Min, the teacher that taught the first class of the day, was given the pleasure to introduce the new student to his new classmates. 

 

"Students," the middle-aged man started, smiling widely even though Felix knew he'd rather get along with his teaching, "I'd like for you to meet the new student. Please, introduce yourself."

 

The new guy proved that the girls' prior prediction of his physical attractiveness was indeed true, because he was unbelievably goodlooking with his nice hair, pretty eyes, cute nose, soft looking round lips and a beautifully crafted jawline. That was what Felix noticed. 

 

The new guy was also dressed a dark blue long sleeved shirt and dark jeans, like any normal teenager, but he still managed to make the average pieces of clothing look like they cost a million dollars. He shifted side to side a bit, as if testing out the ground of the place he was going to be spending the rest of his school year in, and showcased a small smile to the whole class.

 

"Hi. I'm Seo Changbin, nice to meet you all. Please take care of me," he voiced out, his voice taking nearly everyone by surprise. Not because it was too low or too high, but because of how smooth his voice sounded.

 

Even Felix was transfixed, even though he'd been planning on taking a nap because he hadn't had much sleep last night. 

  
"Alright," Mr. Min said a few seconds later, clearly eager to start the school day, "Mr. Seo, the only seats available at the moment are the ones at the back, so," his eyes shortly scanned Felix's face, before meeting with Changbin's own pair, "so take any seat close to Mr. Lee at the back over there, okay?"

Changbin nodded, seemingly not taking notice of how many students' eyes were on him at that second. Hyunjin was even eyeing him with interest, which Felix tried so hard not to let get to him.

Felix kept his eyes on the blank pages of his notebook as Changbin quickly made his way over, deciding to take the seat one seat away from the Australian.

Felix gripped at his blue pen, wanting the teacher to just start the lesson already. He could feel the new student staring at him, and he just could imagine what Changbin was thinking right now.

He probably thought Felix was weird because of his gigantic hoodie, or with the way his black hair looked unkempt or the heavy circles that hung under his eyes. Or maybe he had a problem with Felix's pale skin, or his freckles, or just his face in general. Felix wasn't appealing to the eyes anyway.

Or maybe--

"Hey," Changbin muttered. His voice was so low that Felix thought he'd imagined it at first, but he _knew_ it was him speaking. "Are you...okay...?"

Felix forced himself to nod, but didn't glance Changbin's way even once. He wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone, and he knew that once Changbin settled in, he'd forget that Felix ever existed, just like everyone else.

"What's your name? I'm Changbin, as you already know." Changbin chuckled after that, and Felix found himself watching him.

"Felix," Felix replied gruffly, eyes lingering on Changbin's face more than necessary. Maybe it was because of the fact that Changbin was staring back at him, or because Changbin was attractive in every meaning of the word.

Or maybe it was because sparsely placed on Changbin's cheeks and nose were faint and delicate looking freckles, which honestly surprised Felix, because he hadn't expected spotting them at all.


	2. Chapter 2

Felix didn't look so good staring at himself in the mirror that Thursday morning.

His father had left some time ago, leaving the house without even informing Felix of his departure, not that Felix wanted to know, anyway.

Felix had just woken up and was preparing to take a shower when his eyes took notice of his body in front of the bathroom mirror, and impartially studied himself in front of it for a few seconds.

Felix's hair was a mess, his skin was very pale, and he'd taken the risk of wearing a loose t-shirt the night before, so his arms were completely visible for him to scrutinize. A mosaic of recent and faded bruises and cuts lined both his arms, especially the left one, in a blatant display of how truly fucked up Felix was.

The marks were ugly, tainting his skin like mismatched colours on a blank canvas. And they were always there, even if Felix tried to hide them or forget that they even existed.

Internally wincing, he forced his eyes to stop looking at himself and focused on the bandage wrapped around his left hand. With a stoic expression, he slowly took it off from the hand, his eyebrows coming together in the slightest movement at the pain the cut was giving him.

Felix's chest felt as void and as hollow as an empty well as he threw the bandage in the trash, took off his clothes and stepped underneath the shower.

The water was warm, but it still stung at the cuts that settled themselves on the expanse of Felix's skin. Nonetheless, Felix ignored how hurt he felt, and focused on getting out of the shower on time so he wouldn't be late for school.

Felix would often make breakfast for himself, usually something simple like cereal, or eat a spare fruit from the fridge and consider it a good meal. Today he quickly ate a banana, and grabbed his nearly empty bag, walking to the nearest bus stop so he could get to school on time.

In the bus, his phone buzzed inside his pockets, and he grudgingly pulled it out, looking at the message on it. The only people he had in his contacts were his dad, mother (but she'd changed her number), a couple numbers from the students he'd previously done group projects with, and--

[Bear :3]  
Hey, how are you?

Felix didn't know who the person was, which wasn't the goal of this whole situation anyway. His school recently started giving numbers of a few of their students to other students from neighbouring schools, hoping that they'd form bonds or connections, and become friends over time. This was the only reason why Felix had the person's name in his contacts, because he knew no one would want to text him just like that.

When Felix got news of his 'texting friend', he'd entertained the guy for a short time, but then stopped talking to him for weeks. That didn't stop the guy from trying to communicate though.

Felix pursed his lips at the message, confused as to why the guy still wanted to talk to him even when he'd given him the cold shoulder for many weeks.

Maybe the guy had no one, just like him, and maybe Felix was probably the only person he could talk to. But that possibility was very far-fetched, because there was no way someone could have been as miserable and lonely as Felix was right now.

[Felix]  
I'm fine.

That was the only response Felix gave to anything these days, but he knew he couldn't have felt further from the truth. He _wasn't_ fine, he just wasn't.

[Bear :3]  
Well, that's good to hear!  
[Bear :3]  
Mornings can be pretty unbearable

[Felix]  
Yeah, I guess

[Bear :3]  
I'm driving to school now, hbu?

Since he was driving, that indicated that maybe the guy was older than Felix, and he _did_ seem pretty mature in their previous conversations. Felix wondered how old he was.

[Felix]  
I'm on a bus, going to school too  
[Felix]  
And you're texting while driving. Isn't that a bit dangerous?

[Bear :3]  
Maybe it is lol  
[Bear :3]  
I do it a lot so there's no need to worry

[Felix]  
How old are you?

Felix took notice of how much time the guy took to reply.

[Bear :3]  
I'm 19. You?

[Felix]  
17.

[Bear :3]  
I'm your hyung, then :)))

[Felix]  
I guess

Felix wasn't in the mood to talk more with the guy texting him, and not to mention, he had to get off the bus soon. But, he knew he couldn't just leave the guy hanging like that, since he seemed like a really nice person.

Biting his lip, Felix thought of a way to put an end to their conversation.

[Felix]  
I have to head to school now. Talk to you later

[Bear :3]  
Sure :)  
[Bear :3]  
Bye!

Not knowing if he would actually attempt to text him again, Felix slid his phone back into his pocket, watching as the bus slowed down as it neared its destination.

He grabbed his school bag as soon as the bus stopped, and left the bus long before anyone else in the bus could attempt to leave.

The air felt cold as Felix inhaled and exhaled, and an earthy smell was also present in the atmosphere. Previously green leaves had fallen to the ground in varying degrees, all eventually turning a brittle brown or a soft golden colour. Autumn was always a nice time whenever nature got involved, but Felix knew that winter was coming, due to the way it felt like he was inhaling and letting out ice blocks whenever he breathed.

Felix wearily regarded his school building in the distance, and pulled his grey hood over his head, hereby disengaging himself from all the stares that he was undoubtedly going to receive when he entered the establishment.

The stares used to be a lot worse a long time ago, when Felix was much less in control of his own emotions, and much more people knew about his unstable parents. Now, the stares mostly showcased expressions of indifference and a little bit of curiosity, but they never went further than that. Felix was far past the point of getting bullied; he was just ignored, plain and simple.

Felix made it to his locker and opened it, being met with the small mirror that all the student lockers had inside them. A pair of tired eyes with visible dark circles underneath them met Felix, and he slightly cringed, before looking away and focusing on getting the books he needed from the locker before the bell rang for his first class.

"I know right?" A high-pitched female voice squealed a feet away from where Felix stood. "He's so hot! And his _freckles_ , oh my god!"

Nevermind the fact that Felix _also_ had freckles, but no one had looked at him enough to figure that out.

"Yes!" Another one exclaimed, clearly not caring about who heard her at that moment, "I mean, he's new, but it's pretty obvious that he's gonna befriend Hyunjin and Seungmin soon, and those two are already really attractive."

Felix shut his locker, the sound startling the girls not too far away from him. They regarded him with careful gazes, momentarily halting their conversation, but Felix ignored them all and walked away.

He entered his first class, taking the seat at the back as usual. People surrounding him talked to other people in their friend circle, and he blocked them out, figuring that their words were of no use to him anyway. They were probably talking about Seo Changbin, just like the girls by his locker had been doing.

Felix didn't know what to think about the new student, as Changbin hadn't done anything bad to him yesterday, and he seemed nice enough. But Felix knew not to trust first appearances that easily. Many people were quick to deceive, and were often two-faced. His parents didn't turn out to be what they'd seemed either.

He busied himself with listening to music for the time being, keeping the volume low so he'd know when the teacher entered. Phone confiscations weren't rampant in his school, but Felix would rather not take the risk. He'd have to pay a fee to get his phone back if it got taken, and his father would never take that lightly.

A minute into listening to the third song, Felix spotted Hyunjin entering the class, with Changbin beside him and Seungmin trailing behind. It looked like the girls were right.

It was very expected, Felix thought, pulling out the earbuds from his ears. A lot of people seemed to like Changbin already, so it was only normal for him to get the attention from the popular people in school.

He watched with blank eyes as Changbin appeared to be laughing to something Seungmin said, which wasn't a surprise, since everyone know how funny Seungmin could be. Felix gathered that Changbin looked nice when he laughed, even if he couldn't hear how his laugh sounded because of the distance seperating them.

And that was how it was supposed to be. Felix and Changbin couldn't be friends, because there was already an invisible border put in place to prevent them from interacting with each other more than they already did. Changbin was already becoming popular, and Felix was no one in everyone's eyes. That was how it always was. Two people with clashing social standings could never meet, just like parallel lines. It just wasn't possible.

_______

  
Changbin sat with Hyunjin and Seungmin today, and didn't stare Felix's way even once. Granted, Felix was always hiding inside his big hoodies at the back of the class, out of sight and out of mind, so the Australian shouldn't have been affected by Changbin's change in behaviour today.

No one liked associating with the school's outcast anyway.

Felix was meant to be alone, just like his father told him everyday, and he already believed it. People avoided him, and steered clear of him, and that was okay, because Felix knew he deserved it. No one could like him anyway, not with all the scars and wounds he possessed, not with his dark and unstable thoughts, and certainly not with his unruly appearance.

Felix didn't deserve anyone.

_______

Felix hated P.E. It was just one of the things that he was subjected to and didn't have a choice about.

The cold weather permitted him to wear his hoodie along with his sports clothes, and after he quickly got dressed in them, he headed into the school's gym with the rest of his class and sat on one of the bleachers, zoning in and out of what the P.E. teacher was instructing them.

It was something about a game of dodgeball, which was about the only game that Felix's classmates enjoyed playing.

The teacher had been the one who chose the team members, which spared Felix the embarrassment he would have felt if it was the students who picked their teammates instead, and with a flick of a coin, Felix's team was the one that was in the circle first.

Felix was okay at the sport, but felt uncomfortable with everyone staring at him. He never liked it when that happened a lot, so he intentionally stepped into the way of the ball, and he was excused from playing. Oddly enough, it was Changbin who outed him, and Felix could tell by his expression that he knew that Felix had done it on purpose.

The eye contact they exchanged was brief, with Felix being the one who broke it, pushing some of his dark hair out of his eyes. He felt on-edge because he could tell Changbin was watching him whenever he wasn't occupied with throwing the ball into the circle.

Felix retreated into the comfortable shelter that the bleachers provided until the teacher blew on his whistle, exchanging the position of the two teams.

The game continued until P.E. was over, and Felix exhaled a sigh of relief as he went out with everyone else, eager for the school day to just end already.

He avoided the eyes of just about everyone else when he entered the boys' locker room, not that he really needed to do any of that anyway, since almost every guy around had already done what they needed to do and were already out of the vincinity.

Felix had brought his change of clothes with him, and his own towel, since he didn't trust the towels that the school already provided. All he needed to do was to enter one of the showering stalls and quickly shower to get rid of how sticky he felt, and then change his clothes and leave for his next class.

And that was what he did.

Making sure that no one was staring at him, Felix entered an empty stall and quickly showered, his anxiety causing moments where his hands would shake and his head would pound with many horrible scenarios going through his head. He didn't spend much time showering, and quickly dried himself and dressed up in the safety of his closed stall.

Felix then exited the stall with his things in hand, only to stop mid-step when footsteps neared where he stood. He felt eyes on the back of his head, and turned around only to lock eyes with Changbin's shirtless self.

Felix let his eyes fall for a very brief second, before nervously meeting Changbin's eyes again. He didn't know what to do, and the situation was incredibly awkward, at least to him.

Changbin's hair appeared slightly damp, and in his hands was a blue shirt that he was probably planning to put on, so _why couldn't he just put it on now_?

Felix realized that Changbin had no reason to hurriedly put on his shirt, because it was normal for guys to _not_ feel _weird_ when they were shirtless around each other. But Felix wasn't a normal guy, especially considering the fact that he wasn't _straight_ , and Changbin just so happened to be a guy that already made Felix feel nervous. As the seconds ticked by, Felix grew increasingly bothered by Changbin not putting on his shirt, so he decided to just walk away.

But before he could even turn back around, Changbin spoke up.

"Um," Changbin started, pushing his hands through the shirt's sleeves and (finally) putting his shirt on, "hi."

"...Hi," Felix mirrored. There was no telling how long he had before a new set of males would come inside, and not to mention, he also had to go to his next class in a few minutes.

He was also talking to Changbin, and that already felt wrong to do.

But Changbin didn't seem to be in a rush. "You're Felix, right? I mean, you _did_ tell me your name yesterday, so I obviously should be able to remember."

Felix slowly nodded, holding the clothes in his hands with a gradually tighter grip. "I am."

Changbin nodded, a smile gracing his lips. "I like your name."

Felix didn't know how to reply to that, so he just settled for a curt nod. Changbin hadn't done anything, but he'd already managed to make Felix feel uncomfortable, weird, and his stomach queasy. The Australian wanted to leave before Changbin could say anything else. "I, uh, I have to go to class."

Changbin shrugged, moving his hair from the front of his eyes. "Sure, Felix. I'm coming soon too, anyway."

Felix scurried out of the area, unaware of Changbin's eyes following him as he did so.

_______

Felix was ready to go back to his house.

After the little 'talk' he had with Changbin after P.E., he'd spent the rest of the next class, which was Maths, alternating between daydreaming and taking notice of Changbin's burning stares from the front of the room.

Changbin didn't stare at him very often, but when he did, Felix was well aware of it. It was kind of a nuisance, because one of Felix's least favourite things to be subjected to was staring. It made him feel like he was _wrong_ , made him feel exposed and sort of like a circus freak. Felix's father also stared at Felix a lot before he made his next move.

Felix wanted Changbin to stop watching him. Not because he didn't like Changbin, no, because he found the shorter to be quite likeable, in fact. The real reason was because Felix had no idea what went on in Changbin's mind when he was watching the Australian.

Changbin's thoughts were probably bad ones, considering how Felix looked, and how other people thought of him. Felix didn't stand out, was like a smudge of grey amongst a series of bright neon colours, and Felix couldn't even remember when last he smiled.

So why was Changbin looking at him in that way?

_______

Felix sprang up from his bed that evening, walking to his room's window to slide it open. His room was starting to get stuffy, even though his room wasn't that small, and there weren't many things inside it anyway. Most of the things Felix really needed had been stacked away in his drawers, out of sight if ever his father went inside his room to figure out what his son kept in there.

A gust of wind blew inside the room as soon as Felix opened the window, and Felix let out a sigh of relief. A few seconds prior, Felix had felt like he was getting suffocated, and he needed some air. His father had already came back, but he hadn't bothered Felix ever since he entered.

But Felix knew the silence wouldn't last long, however, and he contemplated if he'd ever get hurt if he jumped out of his window and ran away for the night.

There was a house close to where his room was located, and he knew the family that lived there had a caged dog. He'd be sure to alert the animal if he ever attempted jumping below in order to escape.

"Felix!" That was his father.

In an instant, Felix shut the window and left his room as quick as possible, knowing how impatient the man could be.

His father's frown deepened upon seeing his son's face, but he didn't look like he was angry. At least, not yet.

"Where's the beer? You took the rest of it, didn't you?" Felix's father accused.

Felix looked at him, fisting his hands at his sides. "No, I didn't."

His father scoffed, before a mocking chuckle left his lips. "Of course you didn't. You're too much of a fucking wimp to do so."

He took a few steps closer to where Felix stood, and it took everything in Felix to not take a few steps back. He fought himself to remain composed, anticipating whatever hit his father was about to give.

Narrowed eyes stared back at his son's pair as he shoved a couple of crumpled won into Felix's hands.

"Buy some more. A dozen. You know which one to get," Felix's father commanded. "And don't come back late."

This wasn't the first time that Felix was tasked with buying his father's alcohol, so he knew which place he had to go to get them. He'd rather not go out at night to buy alcoholic drinks, but he had no choice in the matter. His father was highly unpredictable, and Felix was his primary target.


	3. Chapter 3

Surveying through the brands of beer in the small convenience store for the right one was the hardest part of this whole thing.

No matter where Felix looked, people were there. Most of them ignored him once he was spotted, but he certainly attracted some curious stares from some customers, each one of them wondering what a guy like him was doing out so late at night buying beer.

Felix had long ago learned to wear a hoodie everywhere he went, because they did a good job of hiding him from everyone else, and they hid all his imperfections from outside eyes too. But that was all they did; hide him, but they weren't able to take away all the pain and all the scars. Because at the end of the day, Felix was bound to take off his hoodies at some point, and then he'd be left with the stark reality that he wasn't _fine_ , and the marks on his arms would always testify to that.

Buying the beer took little time, and Felix made sure to make as little of his face show as he could, staring emotionlessly at the girl who cashed in the stuff. She looked as tired as he was, but still had enough strength to wish him a good night and tell him to come back again in the future. Felix knew she'd probably been instructed to tell him that, but at that moment as the cold air from the AC began to slowly seep into the material of his black hoodie, he appreciated her efforts, even if they were just minimal.

Felix hadn't even taken five steps out of the small store when he heard his name being called. He halted, eyes expanding in the slightest of movements as he recognized the voice that had called his name.

"Felix!" Changbin fell into step with him, and Felix kept his eyes on the ground. He brought the plastic bag that held the alcoholic drinks to the other side, but the bottles still made a dull clanging sound as they met with each other. "Felix, hi."

Felix bit his lower lip, knowing that he had to head back to his house soon. He looked at the boy next to him, noting that he was watching him too. "Hi Changbin."

"I saw you at the store while buying something for my mother, and wanted to talk to you. I live around here," Changbin explained, smiling at Felix as he said so. "So...how are you?"

"I'm," Felix licked his dry lips, "I'm...okay. Thanks for asking." He averted his eyes from Changbin's pretty face and stared back at the ground.

"You're welcome," Changbin replied. He paused before adding, "Do you live around here too?"

Felix shook his head, feeling more and more aware of the beverages he was carrying in his right hand. Changbin said he'd seen him at the store, so that meant he must've seen what Felix was purchasing too. Even if those drinks weren't for Felix, he still felt self-conscious. For what, he didn't know.

"Oh," Changbin replied, nodding his head. "I'll see you around then. It's really late, and I know you must want to head back home."

_You have no idea how wrong you are_ , Felix thought, but kept his mouth shut. Instead, he nodded, playing absentmindedly with the white hoodie strings that hung from his hood with his free hand. "Yeah... See you."

"Bye," Changbin smiled, before turning around to go. Felix decided to take his leave right then too, heading down the familiar pathway that would eventually lead him back to the place he lived in.

No matter how Felix tried to prevent it, he couldn't stop replaying the brief conversation he had with Changbin over and over again in his head. Changbin asked how he was, which wasn't unlike the words he'd first spoken to him yesterday.

Maybe Changbin genuinely cared about how he was, even though that possibility seemed frivolous in Felix's eyes, or maybe he saw how horrible and sleep-deprived Felix looked, and thought the Australian needed help and was just trying to be nice about it.

Whatever Changbin's true intentions were, Felix knew he couldn't dwell on finding them out. He and Changbin were from different social circles, and the truth of the matter was that Felix was a loner. Changbin didn't need to try and befriend Felix, because the latter had built up his walls a long time ago, and was so used to loneliness that he didn't know how it felt again to have a friend.

Felix came to a stand-still in front of the familiar building of his house, before knocking on the door for his father to open it.

His father didn't reply after a couple knocks, so Felix used the spare key under the rug and opened the door, entering the living room.

The house looked just as Felix had left it, the only difference being the person knocked out on the couch at the side of the room. It was his dad, and the man was fast asleep, which made the errand Felix had to do for him pretty pointless.

Knowing better than to make any noise, Felix placed the bottles of beer into where his father normally kept them, before looking through the fridge to find something quick that he could eat because he was getting hungry.

After Felix ate, he brushed his teeth and flicked off the lights, knowing how angry his father could get if he saw electricity being wasted. Then, he resided inside his bedroom for the rest of the night, thoughts about dark hair and pretty smiles clouding his dreams.

_______

Felix avoided directly staring at anyone the next day, because earlier that day catastrophic events took place between him and his father which resulted in a dark bruise forming on his right jaw.

Felix had run out of any concealer or foundation, so he had to go to school with nothing to cover up the new injury he'd recently sustained. He was glad he was practically invisible in front of everyone else, so the chances of someone watching his every move were slim to none.

The first class went off to a rough start. Felix had history, and Mrs. Kim was particularly sterner than usual that day. She'd been calling out notes when her eyes fell on Felix's sleeping form, and her eyebrows narrowed, because she couldn't stand students not paying attention to her when she was speaking.

"Lee Felix!"

Felix blushed an embarrassing shade of red at hearing his name called at such volume, and wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole when he felt many eyes, including Changbin's and Hyunjin's, watching him; _scrutinizing_ him.

"I suppose you have more important things to tend to instead of listening in my class, don't you?" Mrs. Kim taunted, lips pursed in a disapproving way.

Felix's grip on his pen was so tight that he feared he'd break the piece of stationery any time now. "No, Mrs. Kim..."

Mrs. Kim sighed, folding her arms across her chest. "...See me after class, please."

Felix quickly nodded, staring down at his right hand. The pen had indeed shattered, and the ink was so close to oozing out of the pen. The shards caught Felix's eyes, most of them blunt, but some of them sharp to the tip. Pushing certain thoughts to the back of his mind, he put the now useless pen away and took another one from his bag.

Class continued with no more incidents, but Felix still felt exposed and nervous. He'd perfected his poker face ages ago, but his insides felt like jelly. He felt humiliated, and he couldn't imagine what the other students were thinking about him now. Probably horrible and negative things.

He wondered what _Changbin_ thought of him now. Changbin was new, so he would've been easily influenced by whatever rumours people spread about him when he wasn't around. Changbin would be no stranger to whatever stories people made about Felix, and about where he was getting all those cuts and bruises on his face from. Changbin probably thought that Felix was a freak right about now, and probably regretted ever talking with Felix the night before.

But that was fine, that was _okay_. Because Felix expected that to happen anyways.

Class ended and as students shuffled outside the classroom to head to their next class, Felix made his way to Mrs. Kim, meeting Changbin's eyes as he did so.

He didn't know how that happened, and how he always seemed to catch Changbin's eye many, many times. As usual, Felix was the one who broke the eye contact first, focusing them on the history teacher instead.

The talk was brief, with Mrs. Kim expressing her _concerns_ over Felix's recent behaviours, and how absent he seemed a lot of times in her class. She also reminded him of the grades he needed to keep up, subtly warning him that she'd be forced to take some measures if his grades kept being so low, and then sent him on his way.

Felix understood where the woman was coming from, but he often couldn't sleep well at night, and he wasn't able to study more than he currently did because of all the trouble his father put him through many times. And, how could someone concentrate in school if their life was an absolute mess?

_______

In Mr. Min's class, Changbin sat next to Felix, to the Australian's puzzlement. It was strange, considering that Hyunjin and Seungmin were in that class too, and they were more deserving of Changbin's attention than he ever was. Felix knew the two males were probably not going to get mad because of what was happening, but he could tell that he was on the receiving end of stares from the rest of his classmates.

Felix tried to drown out all their stares, focusing on their teacher's words because of what Mrs. Kim had told him. He didn't want another teacher to get angry at him for dozing off, so he forced himself to stay awake and look like a decent student for once.

"Felix?" Changbin asked, sounding unsure of himself at that moment.

Felix stopped writing in his notebook and stared at Changbin's face, forgetting for a limited time that he had a bruise on his jaw. Realizing that Changbin had seen it, Felix looked down, anxiously tugging at his wide hoodie sleeves. "Yeah?"

"Well, I'm new. I'm pretty sure I'll get a hang of this lesson pretty soon, but for now...I need help," Changbin admitted, a smile that Felix would describe as somewhat shy growing on Changbin's face. "And since Mr. Min isn't exactly approachable, will you...care to help me?"

Felix didn't think he was any good at explaining things, especially _Maths_ , of _all_ things, but he just couldn't say no to Changbin's request. First of all, that would be rude, and secondly, Changbin had asked him nicely.

So, abandoning his notes for the time being, Felix explained the things Changbin couldn't understand to the best of his ability. Changbin looked like he hung on to Felix's every word, staring right at him most of the time he spoke, and the Australian cowered into himself at times because of his bruised jaw. It looked ugly, and Changbin would be better off not laying eyes on it.

Drawing a simplified version of Mr. Min's diagram on the board on Changbin's notebook, Felix felt highly aware of Changbin's eyes on his right hand. Felix didn't know if Changbin noticed it, but he stared a lot whenever Felix did or said something during that Maths period, and that only made the raven haired male feel very self-conscious.

It wasn't that the attention was unwelcome, it was just...strange.

"You draw really well," Changbin complimented once Felix was done with the drawing.

Felix let go of the ruler and pencil he'd been using on Changbin's desk, and brought his hands back to his own desk. Rubbing at the back of his neck with his bandaged left hand, Felix gave a noncommital shrug. "It was just a sketch. It's...not that good."

"You're talking to a guy that can't even draw a straight line with a ruler, so you're _definitely_ okay," Changbin joked, staring intently at Felix as if he expected the Australian to smile, but Felix didn't. "So...don't be so hard on yourself."

"I guess," Felix muttered. Blood rushed to his cheeks and warmed them up because of Changbin's light compliment. He hated it, because it would seem weird that Felix was blushing because of Changbin's statement. Normal guys didn't get red because another guy complimented their drawing skills. Felix had no idea how his reaction would've seemed like to Changbin.

But Changbin didn't seem to mind how flustered Felix got because of his comment. He didn't even seem to notice it at all, because his eyes were on his notes, silent with a comtemplative look crossing his face.

Felix took that as his cue to revert back to his notes, wondering even then what Changbin was thinking about.


	4. Chapter 4

Felix's father spent most of his weekends at home, Felix knew as much, lying on the couch across from the TV and being generally uninterested in his son's wheareabouts, that was, until he started drinking.

There were also times that his father would invite his friends over into the house, but those moments were very rare. Before his friends would come over, Felix would be forced to clean up the whole area an hour in advance, and then he'd get sent to his room or out of the house because his father didn't like introducing his son to his friends from work.

This Saturday was one of those days. Due to what had happened yesterday morning, shards of beer bottles were on the floor below the wall that Felix's father had thrown them into. Felix couldn't even remember what had gotten his father so angry, but he knew the man didn't need a solid reason for him to lash out at his son. Sometimes his father did it simply because he could.

As Felix's father vanished into the four walls of his bedroom, Felix set to work in making sure that the broken bottles were nowhere in sight. This didn't take time, since Felix stopped being careful around sharp objects a long time ago. Some of his fingers had cuts on them after he was finished cleaning, but Felix paid little attention to them. All he wanted to do was to get out of the house as soon as possible before his father's friends came over, because he didn't want to stay in his room. The area that he'd considered as his haven was starting to become something similar to a jail cell. He felt caged within his room at times, and he didn't know how much of it he could take.

Taking a quick shower was one of the few things Felix had mastered over the years he'd spent suffering under the hand of his father. His father could call for Felix at any time, and a wide array of consequences would follow if he didn't answer the man on time.

Luckily, his father hadn't requested of him during the time Felix spent dressing up and putting on one of his usual hoodies, but it was when Felix was about to leave that the man called out to him.

Forcing down the all too familiar feeling of fear and a racing heart, Felix halted his footsteps and looked up at his father. "Yes?"

Felix's father took notice of his son's appearance, judging that he was planning on going out. Despite knowing that fact, he still chose to ask, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going out," Felix replied, keeping every kind of emotion out of his voice. He didn't need another series of insults thrown his way by his father.

"Why? Finally getting tired of your room, I see," the man said with that mocking tone of his that always made Felix feel insignificant. Worthless. Inferior. "Anyway, go on. And don't come back for another few hours."

Felix quickly nodded, finally leaving the interior of the house. Felix's father had told him to come back in a few hours, which meant that he had to find a way to occupy himself before evening came. The last thing he wanted to do was to come home when his father was still hosting his friends. That would only end in less than fortunate situations.

Whenever Felix went out, and not because of school, he always steered close to the small shops or cafes near his house, hardly ever going into town unless he really had to do so. Luckily for him, there were many places that he could stay at for a couple of hours, and he'd be able to buy something small, yet filling for himself.

Walking into a well-known small shop that sold nice pastries, Felix quickly bought a strawberry flavoured cream puff for himself, and proceeded to seat at the corner, being already well-accquainted with the shop from his many previous visits.

Not many people chose to seat inside the shop to enjoy their meal, since they were all too preoccupied with their friends or busy lives to do so. Felix casually watched the people who entered and passed by the store, noting how a majority of them seemed content with their life. Felix didn't know what they might've been passing through, obviously, but they all seemingly looked happy. Everyone seemed to have a friend, and even the ones without any looked better off than Felix ever did. Whenever Felix watched them, he felt like an outsider, watching as everyone moved on with their lives while he was still stagnant, wishing-- _hoping_ \--that things would change.

Felix was getting tired of everything.

He was never able to complete that cream puff, because his raging sea of thoughts had taken away his remaining appetite. He knew he couldn't keep eating in small amounts, or else it would start to take a toll on his weight, and it was already starting to. Felix didn't need a mirror to know that he was getting skinnier.

Trapped inside the endless void of his thoughts, Felix didn't notice the door opening for someone new to enter. Slow footsteps turned quick upon witnessing the Australian, before buying what they wanted and then taking the seat in front of him.

"We always end up meeting, don't we?" The person commented, and Felix's eyes flickered upwards to see the person who had just spoken.

Without meaning to, Felix's breath hitched inside his throat and he let out a slightly audible gasp at seeing Changbin's seated body facing him.

The boy was clad in black shirt with a dark hoodie that was zipped open in the middle, and in front of him were paper bags, a cup of coffee, and a small white box, which could only indicate that he'd already bought something from the shop. Felix stared at the baked goods, before looking up at Changbin's face again. And when he did, Changbin smiled one of his usual smiles: the soft, slightly shy one that revealed how unsure he was.

"Hello," Felix greeted, clearing his throat. He didn't know how Changbin managed to meet him in this place too, but then it hit him that the shorter male did say he lived around this area. "How...how are you?"

Felix didn't mean to ask that question, but seeing that Changbin had always asked him how he was Felix figured that he should do the same too.

"I'm good," Changbin replied with a grin, taking a sip out of his coffee, " _really_ good, actually. I mean, I met you, so _that's_ a plus."

Knowing that he shouldn't take Changbin's words more than face value, Felix still couldn't help it. His face felt hot, and he hoped that his hoodie helped conceal whatever blush he may have been holding right about now. Why did Changbin's words have so much of an effect on him?

"...I wouldn't consider meeting me that much of a good thing," Felix said, happy that his hands were under the table, hidden from Changbin's line of sight. That way, the shorter wouldn't have known about how much his palms were clenching at that moment.

Changbin raised his eyebrows, looking genuinely curious. "And why is that?"

Felix shook his head. "Well...for one, I'm not interesting. I don't talk a lot, and..." Felix bit his lip, "I always keep to myself."

"I noticed. You do that a lot at school, too," Changbin said. "But...it wouldn't hurt to have a friend."

"No one wants to be friends with me," Felix stated, his voice blank as if he was reciting a paragraph from a book. And what Felix just said was true, he was always ignored by everyone, so people at school tended to avoid him altogether.

"I do," Changbin answered, smiling as he did so. "I mean, I want us to be friends--"

"Why?"

"Sometimes you don't need a reason to want to be friends with someone; you just _want to_. And that's the case with you. You seem very nice and I like talking to you."

Felix blinked, not really knowing if he'd heard right or not. But he did, because Changbin's words were never jumbled, they were always clear. And the shorter male was smiling right now, waiting for Felix's reply.

But Felix didn't _know_ how to reply. When last did someone call him nice and said that they wanted to be his friend? He never even remembered that time, to be honest.

"Felix?" Changbin voiced out, snapping the Australian out of the many thoughts that were threatening to invade his mind once again.

"I'm sorry," Felix apologized, staring down at his empty side of the table. His one cream puff had been disposed long ago, and he was starting to feel hungry again. "But--you can't be friends with me."

"Why?"

Felix didn't want to say anything else, because he wasn't much of a talker, and it was often obvious when he spoke. He regarded Changbin warily, not really in the mood to respond to the shorter male's question, but eventually doing so anyway. "It'll seem... _weird_ if you hang out with me at school. People don't like me and...and I don't want them to stop liking you too."

But Changbin shook his head. "That's kinda dumb. Why would they be so interested in who I hang out with? And why don't they like you?"

Felix played with his hoodie sleeves. "It's pretty obvious, Changbin. You're new, but I know you've seen how people watch me at times, and..." he paused, afraid to look directly at Changbin's eyes even though he was sure the shorter was watching him now, "your friends won't like that."

"My friends?" Changbin questioned, "you mean Hyunjin and Seungmin?"

Felix shrugged, even though he knew he'd just confirmed the answer.

"You know they're not those kinds of people," Changbin stated.

Felix supposed that Changbin was right in that aspect. Hyunjin and Seungmin were nice people, at least that was what Felix thought, but he knew not everyone in their school was like that. Some people were very horrible, and Felix didn't want any more problems for himself in the future.

Thankful that some part of his face was covered with his hood, Felix slid his chair back in order to leave.

"Hey, where are you going?" Changbin quickly asked before Felix could stand up.

"I'm leaving," Felix told him, allowing his eyes to linger on Changbin's face for longer than he deemed necessary. He and Changbin were certainly close enough for him to see the shorter's freckles. Those girls were right, Changbin looked really nice with them.

"Really? To go home?"

Felix shook his head, knowing for a fact that he wasn't ready to go home yet. He _didn't_ want to go home yet. "No."

"Then, do you have anywhere else to be?"

Felix thought over Changbin's words. If he left the shop, then he'd have to find another place for him to go to, or spend the afternoon walking around with no particular aim in mind. That was what Felix usually did on weekends anyway, at least when he wasn't studying, but now, the more he thought about it, the more he realized how truly lonely he was.

"I guess I don't," Felix replied.

"I don't have anywhere to be at this moment too, at least not for some time," Changbin said, opening up the pastries that he'd recently bought from the store. "There're some cream puffs in here, and donuts and cake too. Sorry that it seems like a lot, I just happen to have a very massive sweet tooth. So...choose your pick, Felix."

Felix stared in wonder at what Changbin was doing. He didn't know how to feel about Changbin _offering_ him some of the food that he bought with his own money, because the last thing Felix wanted was to feel like he was burdening someone. But, Changbin genuinely seemed to want to give Felix some of what he bought, smiling widely at the Australian when Felix finally settled on the donuts.

"Good choice," Changbin spoke, light amusement in his tone after seeing what Felix picked for himself after a moment of pondering. "Donuts are great, especially the glazed ones."

"Yeah. I guess they are," Felix agreed, even though he was still confused as to why Changbin was acting so nice to him. Maybe that was how Changbin acted towards everyone, and the only reason it seemed weird was because Changbin was new, and because Felix wasn't used to this kind of attention. So Felix didn't have to feel so weird about Changbin's actions, but that was extraordinarily hard to do, especially with how Changbin was staring at him at that moment.

Felix didn't know how to describe it, but he knew it made _him_ feel sort of strange. He ignored that feeling and focused on eating and finishing his donuts for the time being.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Changbin suggested after he noticed that Felix was done with his first donut, "I was told they sell a lot of drinks here, and I'm sure my mom won't mind me buying more stuff. She always wants me to spend time out of the house anyway. So, drinks? Soda? Coke?"

With Changbin's sole attention focused on him like that, and with that _smile_ , Felix started feeling all warm and fuzzy. And that made Felix feel terrified, because he didn't know what to do with these feelings he was accquiring, especially when he wasn't supposed to be accquiring them for the person seated in front of him, who was a _guy_.

"Anything you want to get me," Felix said, showcasing a small smile at Changbin's offer, "I'm good with anything..."

Changbin nodded, smiling once more at the Australian before he went to buy whatever drink he could for Felix.

Felix stared up at the ceiling of the shop, and spotted air conditioning despite the cold Autumn weather. Felix should've felt cold even though he was wearing a hoodie, but he didn't. Instead, he felt warm, and every breath he took made him more aware of his rapidly beating heart. His palms were also starting to sweat, and he rubbed them on his jeans, staring up at where Changbin was as he did so.

Changbin was getting the drink he wanted, and appeared to be in a conversation of sorts with the woman who sold the stuff. Felix watched as Changbin's lips curled up at the sides to form one of his usual bright grins at something the woman said to him, and for some reason Felix quickly looked away after that.

When Changbin sat in front of him once again, Felix felt something flip inside his stomach. The Australian decided to ignore it for the time being, and give himself the benefit of the doubt.

_______ 

 

Changbin and Felix talked a lot that afternoon. Well, it was mostly Changbin that did the talking, but Felix contributed to their conversations from time to time too. As time passed, Felix felt more and more comfortable talking to the boy seated close to him, even if he knew their time together was going to come to an end soon.

  
Changbin asked a lot of questions, but they weren't too overbearing, and they were simple questions that people usually asked someone they wanted to get to know. Questions ranging from Felix's favourite colours to the season that Felix liked most were asked by Changbin, and with each answer he gave, Felix felt like some deep part of himself was beginning to latch on to the shorter male.

Felix didn't know what Changbin was doing to him, but he allowed himself not to get bothered by that, at least for that afternoon.

_______

Felix told Changbin he had to leave when the sun began to set. They'd changed scenery from that pastry shop to Changbin's home since his mother wasn't around at that time, and had spent an hour in there before Felix announced his departure.

"Okay," Changbin nodded, standing up along with Felix. He sounded a bit disappointed, but he masked that with a smile. "I'll see you around then. Or, do you want me to walk with you to your house?"

Felix didn't know if Changbin was joking or not, but the shorter sounded serious. He shook his head. "No, it's okay. I'll get going now."

"Wait," Changbin said, stopping Felix in his tracks. "Do you have your phone with you?"

Knowing what Changbin was implying, Felix's eyes widened a bit. "N-No. I left it at home. Do you want my number?"

Changbin nodded, pulling out his phone. "Yep. Just tell it to me and we're all set."

Ears burning, Felix nodded and quickly recited his phone number to Changbin who put it inside his phone.

"Thanks!" Changbin said afterwards, walking Felix to the door. "I guess I'll see you Monday. Or...we can hang out tomorrow if you have time."

"...Maybe," Felix mumbled, smiling slightly at Changbin, "and thanks for today."

"You're welcome, Felix. Bye."

"Bye..."

As Felix headed down the road, he felt like stopping. For once, he had the overwhelming urge not to go back to his house. He did _not_ want to go back there. He wanted to turn around and go back to Changbin...

But Felix forced himself to continue walking, not knowing what came over him in those few seconds.

_______

[Felix]  
Hey, how are you?  
[Felix]  
I know I haven't talked to you for some time now, and I'm sorry

[Bear :3]  
Nah, it's okay  
[Bear :3]  
I was pretty busy these past few days  
[Bear :3]  
And I'm feeling okay. You?

[Felix]  
I'm not really sure.

[Bear :3]  
How so?

[Felix]  
I've been feeling things I know I shouldn't


	5. Chapter 5

[Felix]  
I've been feeling things I know I shouldn't

Felix sent that message before he could think twice about it, but now the feeling of regret was washing over him. What was he thinking sending that text to someone he barely knew?

'Bear :3' responded not too long afterwards, and Felix felt his heart palpitate when his message popped up on his phone screen.

Felix was hidden inside his silent and dark room, and his father thought he was asleep. Felix didn't know what his father was doing right about now.

[Bear :3]  
What kind of things have you been feeling?  
[Bear :3]  
Just want to know :)

[Felix]  
It's confusing...  
[Felix]  
I get nervous around this person, and the person's really nice to me. They want to be my friend, but I can't help how quick my heart beats around them. I like their smile too...  
[Felix]  
It's dumb, sorry

[Bear :3]  
Okay, that kinda sounds like a crush, don't you think?

Reading through the guy's response, Felix's heart raced once again. This time, it wasn't accompanied by any warmth. It was followed by the cold feeling of dread. Seeing that message only confirmed things that Felix had tried to ignore, and made everything more serious.

[Bear :3]  
Or maybe it's not a crush  
[Bear :3]  
But it pretty much sounds like one. Can you imagine yourself in a romantic relationship with this person?

At first, someone that looked like Hyunjin flashed through Felix's head, but as the person drew nearer to him, he started resembling _Changbin_ more and more. It wasn't hard at all for Felix to imagine Changbin smiling at him and holding his hand, to the Australian's dismay.

[Felix]  
I do

[Bear :3]  
Then it's a crush!  
[Bear :3]  
I'm pretty sure the girl would like you back. You just have to believe in yourself. Fighting!

Felix frowned upon seeing the latest message from the guy texting him. But, he knew he should've expected it. He was living in a country that wasn't very open to same sex relationships, after all. But, that did nothing to ease that feeling of dread that just _wouldn't_ go away. He couldn't tell 'Bear :3' who he really liked, because he didnt know how the guy would react. He'd probably stop texting Felix once and for all. Probably think that Felix was a freak for ever liking a boy in the first place.

[Bear :3]  
Hey, you there?

[Felix]  
Yeah. I'm here.  
[Felix]  
Just got a bit distracted.

[Bear :3]  
Okay  
[Bear :3]  
But about the crush thing, you can tell her. Chances are she'd recipocrate your feelings and then you guys can date!  
[Bear :3]  
Let me know how it goes :3

[Felix]  
Do you...think that it's a good idea?

[Bear :3]  
I mean, yeah  
[Bear :3]  
The girl might also have feelings for you too. You'll never know unless you ask  
[Bear :3]  
But then again, you could get rejected but, I don't think so.  
[Bear :3]  
It's good to always stay on the positive side of things :)

Felix couldn't even imagine talking to Changbin about _whatever_ he may have been feeling for him. He didn't know Changbin well enough, and he figured that Changbin was straight. Changbin was just being nice to him, because that was how he always was.

[Felix]  
I'm nervous.  
[Felix]  
I don't know the girl that much

[Bear :3]  
And you'd rather observe how she acts around you to know if she feels the same way, right?

[Felix]  
Yeah  
[Felix]  
You're right

[Bear :3]  
That's perfectly fine  
[Bear :3]  
It's pretty simple to know if someone likes you, but sometimes it can get pretty difficult to figure it out

Felix bit his lip in thought at the message. He already had what he wanted to ask the guy in mind, but he didn't know if he should proceed with it. He'd never planned to tell a stranger about his crush problems, and this whole thing was completely new to him. He felt scared, but he couldn't deny the rush he felt flowing through his body as he typed his next text message.

[Felix]  
So, what should I look out for?  
[Felix]  
I mean, if I want to know if she likes me

[Bear :3]  
Well for one, she'll smile a lot around you. People are always happy around the people they really like. She'll also want to touch you a lot, and will just generally want to be around you  
[Bear :3]  
She'll also ask you a lot of questions about yourself, wanting to get to know you better. She'll probably compliment you a lot, appearance-wise and on everything else  
[Bear :3]  
I know all this because of the people around me, and also with the help of Google lmao

Felix thought about all what 'Bear :3' told him. With every point that the guy made, Felix felt his heart beating more and more. He knew Changbin smiled around him a lot, but that seemed like something he did all the time. Changbin had also never touched him, at least not when Felix was aware of it. But, Changbin _did_ seem to want to always talk to Felix and hang out with him, and earlier that day he'd asked the Australian a lot of questions about himself. Changbin had also complimented his drawing skills before too. He'd also said that he liked Felix's name.

Felix sighed. All this thinking and wondering was driving him crazy, and he really didn't think that Changbin liked him more than a friend. Felix was Felix, and Felix wasn't good enough for anyone. He couldn't imagine Changbin crushing on him, _ever_.

[Bear :3]  
Oh! I also forgot to add one last thing.   
[Bear :3]  
This one's probably the most important one of all.  
[Bear :3]  
If the girl likes you, she'll stare at you a lot. Sometimes, she'll even look away if you catch her eye. Many people stare a lot at people they like :)

Felix knew he probably shouldn't be getting _this_ affected by a simple text, but he still did. He suddenly felt really aware of his surroundings, and his heart was beating wildly, because if there was something Changbin really liked doing, it was staring at Felix. Felix tried to push down this feeling of _excitement_ he was experiencing, because for all he knew, this could've meant nothing at all. Changbin could have done that to anybody. Lots of people stared at people for a prolonged amount of time, it was no big deal.

_It was no big deal_.

Felix shook his head to get rid of the different possibilities of what Changbin might have felt for him out of his head. No, he didn't need them. He was only psyching up himself for disappointment.

[Felix]  
Thanks for the info

[Bear :3]  
No problem! :)  
[Bear :3]  
I hope you get your answer soon

[Felix]  
I hope so too  
[Felix]  
And, what's your name?

[Bear :3]  
I'm Woojin. Yours?

[Felix]  
My name's Felix

[Bear :3]  
I like your name :D

Woojin's text reminded Felix of what Changbin said about his name two days ago.

[Felix]  
Thank you :)

[Bear :3]  
You're welcome   
[Bear :3]  
And...it's getting pretty late, you should go to sleep lol

[Felix]  
Yeah, I guess I should  
[Felix]  
Goodnight

[Bear :3]  
Goodnight Felix  
[Bear :3]  
Thanks for talking to me  
[Bear :3]  
I'll talk to you later :)

[Felix]  
Yeah

When Felix switched off his phone, he thought a lot about what Woojin told him, going over everything over and over again until got tired of doing so. Whenever he shut his eyes, Changbin's face appeared, each image better than the last.

When he'd first seen Changbin he thought the shorter looked good, but that observation wasn't accompanied with anything else. But now, anytime Changbin's face showed up, Felix's heart would speed up or skip a beat, and he'd start to feel warm, and _okay_. Safe. Changbin's smile was enough to conjure up a whirlwind of pleasant emotions inside Felix, and it was enough to make the Australian forget about his situation, and about who he was, and ignore the marks around his body for the time being. He thought nothing of them that night, because Changbin had managed to distract him from all of it.

_______

Changbin texted Felix early the next morning to know if Felix was still on for hanging out that day. Up until that moment, Felix thought Changbin had been joking, thinking that the shorter had other plans with Hyunjin, Seungmin, and the other people he'd made friends with the last few days. Felix also wasn't sure if he'd be able to get past his father like he had yesterday, and the man may ask where he was heading to if he took up Changbin's offer.

[Changbin]  
So, are you up for it?  
[Changbin]  
Fingers crossed you'll say yes

[Felix]  
I won't mind coming

[Changbin]  
Great! We'd hang out at my place for some time and then do some activities afterwards. You like football right? I'm at a loss of ideas at the moment, but you can always give some more ideas xD  
[Changbin]  
Whatever you want

[Felix]  
Football's nice. I can do anything you have in mind, really  
[Felix]  
I just don't know if my dad would be open to me leaving the house...

[Changbin]  
It won't hurt to ask  
[Changbin]  
Just tell him you're meeting a friend

_Friend_.

Felix didn't know how to feel about that word.

He also knew that he just couldn't tell his father anything that Changbin suggested. His father could lash out, or force him to stay inside the house. The only thing Felix could do was to hope that his father wouldn't say anything when he saw him leave.

_______

Felix's father had been unusually quiet that morning, so much so that when he saw Felix heading out the house, he didn't utter a single word.

Ignoring the chills he felt because of his father's unusual behaviour, Felix pulled up his hood to conceal his dark hair and some of his face. The icy atmosphere was taking a toll on Felix's skin, and he felt goosebumps on his arms even though his hoodie sleeves were covering them.

He took that time to stare at his palms, fisting them to hide how discoloured some of his fingers looked. The many times Felix had tended to the injuries sustained on his hands had taken an effect on his skin.

Felix shoved his hands inside his pockets, inhaling and exhaling deep breaths on the rest of his way to Changbin's home. He wondered if the latter would be waiting for him, or if he was inside, anticipating his arrival. Would Changbin's mother be home? Changbin had mentioned yesterday that his mother was really nice.

Felix thought about Woojin and the clues he gave to find out if Changbin liked him. Felix felt like a silly child for taking note of all what Woojin texted him, but he couldn't control himself. He _really_ couldn't control himself. What he and Woojin talked about last night made him _look forward_ to his and Changbin's meet up, even though he knew he shouldn't let himself get excited over something like that. Felix was used to things not going his way, so he shouldn't get hopeful over something that could be snatched from him at any second.

_______

Changbin was waiting for him outside his house.

The shorter male was seated on the veranda, his feet lightly swinging as he stared at the bushes lining his house and the next house over. Changbin looked concentrated on the greenery, and Felix froze upon seeing him, admiring for a short time how Changbin looked right there and then, mentally taking a snapshot of the sight immediately.

Changbin looked up then, and smiled when his and Felix's eyes locked. "Hey! You came."

Felix nodded, swallowing thickly as he walked over to where Changbin was located. Before he had that conversation with Woojin, it had been easy for Felix to forget what he felt around Changbin, but now he found that to be a thousand times harder.

Now, Felix noticed things about Changbin that he normally wouldn't consider noticing. Like how he thought the forest green shirt that Changbin wore complemented his dark brown eyes. Like how he could see Changbin's freckles more clearly now. Like how soft and fluffy Changbin's hair looked right then.

"How are you?" Changbin asked, hopping off the veranda to get to where Felix stood.

"I'm fine," Felix replied. "You?"

"Great."

Felix followed behind Changbin to the front door, before the shorter male suddenly turned around, almost making their bodies collide.

"Sorry," Changbin quickly apologized, chuckling as he said so. He placed a hand on Felix's shoulder (alerting the taller male instantly) before continuing, "And...my mother's home. I told her that you were coming, and she got really excited and made food for all of us. It's this weird thing that she does, because she's really hospitable. I hope you don't mind."

Felix didn't, even though he was nervous to meet Changbin's mother. Really nervous. He also didn't mind eating food at Changbin's place, because he hadn't really eaten a lot earlier that morning. "I don't. Thank you."

"Of course Felix," Changbin replied, taking his hand off Felix's shoulder. The Australian could still feel the warmth there as if the shorter male had never taken his hand off in the first place. "You're welcome."

_______

Changbin's mother looked a lot like her son, and had the same smile as Changbin too. She greeted Felix really well, commented about how he and her son both had freckles, and treated Felix like he mattered, which the Australian didn't know how to feel about since the other adults in his life had treated him badly or left him behind.

Just like her son, she asked Felix many questions about himself, and sometimes Changbin had to jokingly tell her to dial it down with the questioning.

Felix felt comfortable in their presence, noting how Changbin and his mother acted like a real family, and how they could actually call their house a _home_. With them, Felix actually felt safe, and didn't feel as if he had to watch his back everywhere he went, like how he often did at his own house. Changbin's mother also treated Changbin like he was _worth_ something, and she never insulted him either. It felt a bit weird to Felix when he witnessed the exchange between Changbin and his parent only because he hadn't experienced the same thing in so long.

After Changbin's mother had served the food, Changbin decided to seat next to Felix for the entirety of the meal. He also added more food to Felix's plate, jokingly asking if he could feed the Australian when his mother was out of ear-shot.

Felix's ears burned a bright red. His heart thrummed against his ribcage. "I-I don't know..."

"I was just kidding," Changbin grinned, using his chopsticks to put a piece of meat on Felix's plate. He laughed, "But it's only if you want me to. I have no idea."

Felix watched as Changbin's mother excused herself a moment later. Then he stared at Changbin who'd reverted back to eating his food, different thoughts waging war inside his mind right then. He thought of Woojin's texts, and remembered how he felt the whole night afterwards.

_I'm crazy_ , Felix thought to himself, because he called Changbin's name a second later, saying that he'd taken up Changbin's offer to feed him. _I'm really crazy_.

Felix also remembered to add, "I mean, you don't _have_ to. I just thought it'd be funny."

Changbin's soft brown eyes widened ever so slightly in pleasant surprise. "...Okay, I guess. Just sit still. I don't want to spill anything over."

"Sure." Felix quickly nodded, palms gripping the edges of his seat as he turned to face Changbin more squarely. Changbin had already gotten some spaghetti rolled up in his fork, and the size wasn't too small or too big to fit in Felix's mouth.

"Alright. Here goes nothing," Changbin let out, lips curving upwards at the sides as he leaned in to feed Felix the spaghetti, delicately tilting the Australian's chin so that he could eat the food more easily.

Felix's chest fluttered as he chewed, liking how delicious the food tasted in his mouth, and how Changbin's smile brightened as Felix ate the forkful of spaghetti. Their eyes met, and Changbin giggled.

"Did you like the spaghetti? I helped prepare it," Changbin questioned, and Felix nodded, feeling like he was floating on clouds at that moment.

Woojin was right, Felix was crushing on Changbin. And it didn't feel so bad with Changbin so close to him, feeding him food.

_______

Felix spent the morning playing Jenga with Changbin, and it was fun. He also discovered how athletic Changbin could be when they played football for some time.

After they were done, they sat on a bench next to the woods, watching as piles of browning leaves fell from the trees and onto the ground. The leaves engulfed their surroundings in a pretty mixture of orange and red, and Felix started appreciating Autumn more and more, especially because of the boy seating next to him.

He and Changbin weren't necessarily doing anything; they were just enjoying each other's silent company.

Felix clasped his hands together, wondering what to say in order to break the silence between them. The last thing he wanted was for Changbin to think he was a bore. "Changbin..."

"Yeah?" Changbin asked.

"Thanks for today. Really. And, your mother's really nice. _You're_ really nice too. Both of you are nice," Felix rambled, nervously picking at his nails while he talked.

Changbin chuckled. "No problem, Felix. I'm glad you liked how you spent today with me and my mother."

"Yeah." Felix's eyes met Changbin's kind ones, at a loss of words for whatever could've happened next, but then he blinked, because Changbin had taken his left hand in his and was looking at it. Changbin's palm felt soft, but that didn't stop the bells of alarm from ringing in Felix's ears.

Changbin was staring at the healing gash on Felix's left hand.

Felix pulled his hand away, curling it and hiding in within the confinement of his hoodie pocket. He stared at the ground, feeling anxious and downright ashamed of how ugly his hand looked.

"I'm sorry," Changbin breathed out after a few tense seconds, "I'm really sorry I did that."

Felix shook his head. "N-No, it's fine. I just--it's ugly." A bitter chuckle escaped the Australian's lips without him meaning to. "Both my hands are. I don't like showing them..."

"...How'd you get them? The cuts, I mean," Changbin asked after some time passed between the two boys.

_______

Felix didn't know how it felt to feel like he was on top of the world to feeling like he was completely and utterly worthless in a short length of time until he entered his house later that evening.

Changbin had been on his mind the entire time, and the way he'd touched Felix's hands before Felix left still lingered on the Australian's skin. Changbin had told him that his hands weren't ugly, and that he didn't need to hide them. He'd told Felix that he was okay in every sense of the word, and that Felix didn't have any reason to feel ashamed or hideous because of how he looked.

It had been easy to listen to Changbin's sweetly spoken words when Felix was with him, but even easier to forget them when he met his father where he lived.

His father had been livid, shouting and cursing at his son for leaving the house without telling him.

"Your _filthy_ mother called this morning," Felix's father sneered, "she asked for you, after leaving for so many years! She couldn't call you directly because she was too _ashamed_ to do so! Do you _believe_ her nerve?"

Felix didn't know how to respond, because he was too frightened, too _terrified_ of how his father looked at that moment. Like a lion waiting to pounce on its prey.

Felix took two steps back before his father launched at him, harshly gripping the collar of his hoodie. "You know, you and your whore of a mother are the same thing! Both absolutely fucking _useless_. She left, so you _think_ you can leave too?"

Felix felt his breath being knocked out of his chest when his father kneed him to the ground, making his head collide with the wall. Felix's lungs burned as black dots clouded his vision, and he tried to get up and escape from the man he called his father.

"You can't leave," his father spat, voice dripping with contempt. "No one would help you anyway! Who would, when you're undeserving of anything good?!"

Felix winced, tears rushing to the rim of his eyes as his father's fist met with his face. A sharp pain flooded Felix's system, one that made his hands shake and his knees wobbily. The horrible metallic taste of blood that Felix was so used to tasting filled the boy's tongue, and he struggled to put some distance between him and his father. His room was only a couple feet away...

Felix's insides lurched with pain and hollowness as he attempted to cover his face and any other part he could from more of his father's consecutive hits. Each punch and each kick made their mark on him, both physically and mentally, and everything _hurt_. So badly.

Felix held his knees close to him like a ball in the corner as his father left, body bruised and hot tears falling from his eyes. He felt like the whole world was falling in on itself, and the room he was in felt like it was becoming smaller with every ragged breath Felix inhaled into his body.

He felt weak, and terribly tired. He wanted to hate everything, but he couldn't, because how could he hate Changbin?


	6. Chapter 6

Felix couldn't go to school the next day. He was too tired, and his body ached all over. He hid himself inside his room all morning, listening as his father left for work as usual, leaving his son alone in the house.

Felix's phone was off the whole time, so he couldn't see any text messages that could've been sent to him. He wondered if Changbin texted or called him, and wondered if the shorter male questioned why he wasn't at school today. Maybe Changbin did, maybe he didn't.

Felix thought of Woojin too for a short time, but he figured the older male was already at his classes, content with his life. Felix felt like he owed the older male a thanks, at least for helping with making Felix feel happy for the first half of yesterday.

Felix sighed, looking up at his ceiling. The colour was grey, bland and empty looking, just like how Felix felt. He lied horizontally on his bed, only because he couldn't seat up straight after last night. Every movement made caused pain to ripple through Felix's joints, and he didn't know how many days it would take for his body to completely heal up.

He didn't feel like eating anything. He'd completely lost any appetite he might've gained if the last few hours had been normal and trouble-free. And even if his stomach grumbled anytime from now, Felix still wouldn't have the strength to stand up and look for something to eat.

Felix had cleaned up all the blood that escaped his skin, especially from the cuts on his face, but anyone would've known that Felix got beaten up just by looking at him. There were dark bruises forming under his right eye, on his left cheekbone, and an ugly gash on the side of his lower lip. The Australian felt like a monster just staring at his face in the mirror earlier that morning.

But despite all the pain he felt, Felix kept quiet about it. He made himself feel numb, because that was the only way he could deal with things lately. It helped keep at bay the rabid negative thoughts threatening to claw their way into his head, and helped Felix to disassociate from the state he was in a bit easier. Numbness regulated his frantic heartbeat, and helped Felix clear his mind of anything.

Felix raised his right hand up, wincing at the pain that recoiled through him at this minor action. As expected, his hand looked horrible, even more horrible than it'd looked Sunday morning. Changbin's kind words slowly slipped inside Felix's head, until they were all he could think about.

" _Felix, you don't have to hide yourself away, and there's no reason to feel ashamed of yourself. You're_ okay _."_

 _Okay_.

Was Felix okay? Felix knew he wasn't. He wasn't okay, he wasn't fine, and he wasn't _right_. He was wrong, wrong, _wrong_. Felix had every right to feel ashamed of himself, because he was terribly imperfect, the piece of gum under everyone's shoe. He didn't deserve anything that could make him happy, and his father thought so too. He wasn't lucky enough to gain anything good.

But Changbin made him feel _happy_. The time they'd spent together yesterday, and all the times they'd talked before always managed to make Felix all warm inside. Whenever Changbin was near, Felix's heart sped with excitement, his chest fluttered with a pleasant buzz, and a thousand eager butterflies swarmed his stomach.

All because of _Changbin_.

Felix remembered how Changbin looked when the shorter male fed him yesterday. He remembered how Changbin's eyes shone, forming happy crescents at the sides. He remembered how gently Changbin held his chin as he fed him the food, as if he was afraid of hurting Felix, as if he didn't want Felix to feel any pain. Felix also remembered how Changbin smiled, and his _giggle_. Felix's heart skipped a beat as he replayed that giggle in his mind, remembering the exact sound, and how lovely it sounded in Felix's ears.

Felix stared up at his ceiling once again, and smiled.

_______

Felix finally gathered enough strength to turn on his phone that afternoon, eager to see if any message had popped in. He knew it wouldn't pay him to keep his hopes up, because it would only lead to disappointment if Changbin hadn't texted anything, but he wasn't listening to his mind right now. For once, it was his heart that was leading the way, and it felt exhilerating, no matter how unpredictable and scary the outcome could have been.

Changbin had sent something. His messages were pretty recent, almost an hour ago, actually, and Felix's eyes quickly scanned over the texts to know what they were comprised of.

[Changbin]  
Hey Felix :D  
[Changbin]  
I noticed you weren't at school today  
[Changbin]  
If everything fine? Did you get sick?  
[Changbin]  
Sorry if I seem annoying, and you don't have to answer this message if you don't want to. I'm just worried

Felix thought over what he should reply with. He obviously couldn't tell Changbin the _real_ reason why he chose to skip school today, but he didn't want to make up some elaborate lie to tell Changbin either. It just didn't seem right lying to Changbin.

[Felix]  
Hi Changbin :)  
[Felix]  
I just got a little hurt. It's no big deal

Changbin quickly answered.

[Changbin]  
Really? How?

[Felix]  
I fell. I'm really clumsy

[Changbin]  
Are you feeling better now?

Felix still felt groggy, and his body still ached. But he was getting better, at least mentally. Felix had a hunch that it was because of Changbin.

[Felix]  
Yes, I am  
[Felix]  
Thanks :)

[Changbin]  
That's good. I'm home right now, trying to complete some boring homework :(

[Felix]  
You should get to it then. I'm probably distracting you

[Changbin]  
I guess, but you're a pretty good distraction ;)  
[Changbin]  
*;)  
[Changbin]  
**:)  
[Changbin]  
^ ignore that. That was embarrassing

Blood rose to Felix's cheeks as he typed in his next message.

[Felix]  
It's okay. The colon and semi-colon are pretty close to each other after all :)

[Changbin]  
Yeah, my hand slipped lol  
[Changbin]  
Hey Felix...can I call you?  
[Changbin]  
I'm really bored, and I wanna hear your voice :3

_Changbin wanted to call him._

Felix suddenly felt his nervousness escalating. His hands shook, and his breath hitched as he tried to calm himself. It wasn't like Changbin was going to see his bruised face. No, he just wanted to call him. He wanted to hear Felix's voice, and nothing else. Felix had no reason to feel so on-edge about this. No reason at all.

[Felix]  
Sure, I guess

[Changbin]  
Thanks.

A few seconds passed, until Changbin's caller ID flashed on the phone's screen. The name was enough to make Felix smile again, which totally felt weird to him, but in a really good way. Taking in a breath, Felix pressed and dragged on the green call button and waited for Changbin's voice to come through the speaker.

"Hi," Changbin said, voice sounding highly excited. "How are you today, Felix?"

Felix forced himself to seat up in his bed, leaning his back against a pillow. He picked at his free hand, feeling like he was smiling again. "...I'm good, Changbin. Thanks for asking."

"You're welcome," Changbin chirped. "It's afternoon now, so have you eaten anything? Mom told me to ask you that since she just wants you to come over again. She really likes you."

"Uhm," Felix bit his lip, "I'm not really in the mood to eat anything right now. I'll probably eat something later..."

"Oh okay. I haven't eaten lunch either," Changbin laughed, and Felix's chest felt light. "Mom's bugging me about it, plus asking when you'd come back again. I mean, I haven't introduced her to most of my new friends, but she seems to like you the most."

Felix suddenly felt flustered even if Changbin couldn't see him. "...Why?"

"She just really likes you. She thinks you're really nice and wants us to hang out more. You should have heard what she said after you left yesterday. But I'm glad you didn't, since I'd be pretty embarrassed."

Felix didn't know what this feeling was, but it was almost as if he was glad that someone as important as Changbin's mother said she liked _him_. He didn't even remember doing anything to warrant that liking from her, but she ended up speaking good about him even after he left her house.

Felix then thought of how his own mother had been proud of him many years ago.

But Felix quickly got rid of that thought, burying it into the deepest and darkest corner of his mind. He didn't need to be thinking about his mother right now, he really didn't.

Instead, he busied himself with listening to Changbin's voice, and how the shorter male spoke his words. Felix rarely said anything, because he wanted to listen to whatever Changbin told him without any interruptions. He could listen to Changbin's voice all day, to the way the shorter sometimes stopped talking just to add in a brief laugh or giggle. Every pause, every breath and every lilt, Felix took notice of, even when he didn't realize what he was doing. Changbin's voice was a melody that Felix could never get enough of; a sound that Felix wouldn't mind hearing forever.

"Felix, are you sleeping?" Changbin asked at one point. Felix had grown very quiet during that time, too occupied with Changbin's voice and... _everything_ about Changbin, really, that he'd forgotten to input anything from his side. So naturally, Changbin thought that Felix must've been dozing off.

"I'm not. I just don't talk a lot," Felix mumbled. He could hear Changbin's steady breathing on the other line, and it helped with making Felix more relaxed and less antsy.

 _In. Out. In. Out_.

"Oh, I guess that makes sense," Changbin said. "I kind of thought I was boring you with my voice."

Felix shook his head even if he knew that Changbin couldn't see him. "I--your voice doesn't sound boring. I...I like your voice, it's really nice."

The Australian felt like taking his comment back, because what if Changbin didn't like it? What if the shorter male got weirded out and decided not to talk to Felix ever again?

Seconds ticked by, and Felix was about to say something else that would've cut through the silence when Changbin spoke up.

"Thanks. I like your voice too," Changbin replied, and for one reason or the other, Felix actually felt like the shorter male was _smiling_. But Felix knew that it was probably just hopeful wishing on his part, and Changbin didn't feel anything else other than friendship for him. Changbin didn't like him in _that_ way.

For some time, neither boy broke the silence that had weaved between them, both all too content with listening to the steady rise and fall of each other's chest. That is, until Felix heard a slight ruckus on Changbin's side, something that sounded like words being spoken, and Changbin proceeded to sigh a few moments later.

"Shit. Mom figured out that I was calling you instead of studying or whatever. So...yeah. I'll talk to you later, Felix!" Changbin reassured, "I will. Promise. Probably later today. I'll call, definitely."

Felix quickly nodded, bringing up his knees to hug them without making it known that the movement caused him bouts of pain. "Sure, okay. I'll wait for your call."

"You aren't like, mad, right?"

"Of course not."

"That's good. Have a good rest of the day. Bye!"

Felix blushed. "Bye..."

When Changbin hung up, Felix sighed, settling his chin upon his bent knees. His body still ached all over, but he felt strangely weightless and carefree. At that moment, he felt as if all worries had been stripped from him, leaving him in a rather happy state. He felt weak, but he still felt alive, like he'd just crossed the finish line of a race. His movements had became heavily restricted because of his injuries, but he still felt like he could jump five feet into the air. Those horrible thoughts were still threatening to shove themselves into the center of Felix's mind, but the Australian felt _giddy_.

Felix couldn't control the onslaught of positive feelings growing inside him because of a certain raven haired freckled boy, but he knew he shouldn't be feeling them. He had no right to think like that about someone who only wanted to be his friend and nothing else. Felix's feelings also felt doomed from the start, because he was _gay_ , and Changbin wasn't. If he continued to harbour these feelings for the shorter male, the end result would only end in heartbreak and sadness.

_______

Usually, when Felix was sad, he listened to a lot of music. Music calmed him, and gave him an escape from his bleak reality, even though it was just temporary. Music would get rid of the thoughts, the biased and harsh voices that spoke horrible and heartless things to him, and fill his mind instead with with sung lyrics and complex instrumentals.

Felix could lose himself in music for many hours, cloaked within the stark darkness of his own room while his father drank his soul away downstairs.

But today, Felix wasn't in the mood to listen to any music. His mind wasn't in the right place. He felt like he was tethering on the edge of reality, on the thin line seperating sanity from insanity.

Crouched at the corner of his dark bedroom, rocking back and forth, Felix felt like dying. He didn't even register the first few tears that dropped from his eyes as he wrapped his arms around himself. His mind was plagued with a wide array of thoughts, and all of them were negative. They poisoned his mind, made his chest constrict in both apprehension and pain, and made his shoulder sag with defeat.

_You're worthless. You'll never amount to anything. No one loves you. Why don't you just die?_

It wasn't Felix's first time getting those kind of thoughts, but they still managed to make him weak and hopeless, and enclose his heart in a state of melancholy. He felt afraid, and oh so alone, which was one of the worst feelings in the world.

 _No one will save you_.

That was a frequent thought, one that first stemmed from the lips of his father himself. Whenever Felix got beaten by him, he never failed to remind Felix how terribly _helpless_ he was in his situation. His father often told him that he'd never win, and that he'd always be alone, reaching out for someone that would never be there to save him in the first place.

Felix didn't know how he became like this tonight. At first, he'd felt okay, but then he started thinking, and the more he thought, the more his mind conjured up dark and morbidly honest voices that made him feel worse and worse about himself.

Dinner was long forgotten. Felix didn't even think that he'd be able to ingest anything today. Not with the way he felt.

Each breath racked up a fresh set of tears and a heavier heart. He felt as if he was slowly sinking, and had no idea how to stay afloat.

Felix's phone rang, startling the sobbing boy. At first, Felix didn't have the energy to pick up his phone, but one glance at the name of the caller made him change his mind.

Wiping away his wet cheeks with his shirt sleeves, he slowly took the phone and picked up the call.

"Hey Felix," Changbin greeted, his voice acting as a beam of light that pushed through Felix's dark mind. "I told you I'd call, didn't I? What's up?"

Felix sniffed, covering his face with his sleeves in order to mask the sobs that were making their way up his throat.

"...Felix?"

"I'm--I'm sorry..." Felix sniffed, feeling tears roll down his cheeks. He hastily wiped them away. "I'm so sorry..."

"Felix? Felix, what's wrong? Are--are you _crying_? Please tell me what's wrong," Changbin's concerned voice ran through the speaker, his tone sounding both urgent and worried.

Felix felt dumb, and felt even dumber for making Changbin worried about him. "I--I'm crying, I guess..."

"Shit, did something bad happen to you? Did you get hurt? I don't want you to cry, Felix," Changbin begged, and Felix nodded, palming his whole face to conceal the new tears that were forming behind his eyes. "Felix, please--please answer me."

"I'm--" Felix sniffed, trying to get rid of how tight his chest felt, "I'm sorry for m-making you get so w-worried over me. I-I just got sad..."

"What happened? I--I really don't want you to cry, Felix. You don't deserve any kind of sadness," Changbin replied, and Felix tried so, _so_ hard to listen to what Changbin was telling him. "You only deserve to be happy. Felix? Are you listening to me?"

"I am..." Felix spoke out, voice all croaky and tired sounding. "I'm _trying_ to. I just--I just feel _worthless_. And...and horrible. You probably didn't want to hear about it, s-sorry..."

"No! Of...of course not," Changbin quickly cut in, "I--we might've known each other for only a short while, but...I care about you a lot, Felix. I really do. ...And you're not worthless."

"How are you so sure? We...you don't know much about me..."

"I know enough to know that you're definitely not worthless. You're...you're _more_ than that, and you're special, to _me_. And I know I may seem over-the-top right now, but that's what _I_ think about you, _all_ the time. I...I think you're _awesome_ , and I enjoyed spending time with you, and still do, actually."

Felix listened to Changbin's words, heart hitting his ribcage at a consistently quick pace, and stomach flipping more than once. Changbin had called him _special_. And _awesome_.

Felix continued wiping away his tears as he tried to stop crying for Changbin.

"Felix, please don't cry anymore. That's the only way I can stop feeling so worried... I care about you, you know? I wish I was there to wipe your tears away, no matter how weird it sounds."

Felix inhaled a shaky breath. "Well, it does sound a bit weird..."

"Shut up," Changbin joked, and Felix cracked a small smile, a light chuckle leaving his lips.

"Have you eaten dinner?" Changbin asked then after.

Felix knew he hadn't. And he didn't feel like doing so. "I-I don't have any appetite, Changbin."

"And you're not hungry?"

"I can't eat anything."

Changbin sighed, before adding, "Are...are you going to school tomorrow?"

Felix sucked in his bottom lip. "I don't know to be honest..."

"It's okay. Just make sure you rest and eat well tomorrow, okay? So that you can be healthy and well, alright?" Changbin advised Felix. "And, let me play you something to sleep. It's late, and I want you to rest."

Felix sniffed, before voicing out an 'okay'. He wearily sat up from the floor he sat on, and crawled over to his bed, lying face down on the mattress. "You play an instrument?"

"Yeah, I can play the violin," Changbin replied, laughing a bit as he said so. "Just...wait a sec."

Felix waited patiently, until Changbin announced that he was back.

"Okay," Changbin started, "just... close your eyes and listen."

"Okay," Felix mumbled, closing his eyes just as a soft, and quite sad melody from a violin emerged from the speaker of his phone. It made Felix calm, and even nostalgic over good memories that he couldn't even imagine ever having again. Changbin played the violin beautifully, and the music that came out of the instrument soon made the Australian slowly drift into a peaceful slumber.

"...Felix?" Changbin asked afterwards, checking to see if the black haired male had fallen asleep, and when Changbin realized that indeed he had, he smiled, before hanging up.


	7. Chapter 7

[Felix]  
Hey, how are you?

[Bear :3]  
I'm feeling great  
[Bear :3]  
And you?

[Felix]  
I'm fine  
[Felix]  
I haven't been able to talk to you much, I'm sorry  
[Felix]  
There've just been too many things going on.

[Bear :3]  
Do you wanna talk about it?

Felix didn't even know if he could.

He was at home, after deciding on skipping another day of school because he wasn't feeling well, seating cross-legged on his bed as he feasted on some yogurt after an early morning text from Changbin reminding him to eat something filling for the day. He knew a yogurt wasn't real food, but that was about the only thing he could manage to put in his mouth at the moment.

[Felix]  
I'm not sure...

[Bear :3]  
I understand  
[Bear :3]  
Some things are just hard to talk about. I get that  
[Bear :3]  
And some things can feel completely out of our control

[Felix]  
Yeah  
[Felix]  
We can't control fate, and no one knows the future

[Bear :3]  
Well, unless you're a psychic lmao

[Felix]  
I guess

[Bear :3]  
Where are you right now? School?

[Felix]  
Home

[Bear :3]  
What a coincidence. I'm also at home

[Felix]  
Why? Are you sick?

[Bear :3]  
Okay Felix, let's play a game  
[Bear :3]  
For every question you ask, I'll have to ask you one too  
[Bear :3]  
Because we don't know each other that well and I was hoping we could be friends :)

As Felix typed in his reply, he wondered where this 'game' was going to lead to, and wondered why Woojin wanted to be his friend. Maybe that was how Woojin normally was, since he seemed like a friendly person, so he probably had a lot of friends already. Felix was just another person that he was planning to add to that list.

[Felix]  
Sure. I'll play

[Bear :3]  
That's great!  
[Bear :3]  
So, what did you want to ask?

[Felix]  
I asked why you're home instead of being at school

[Bear :3]  
I'm just having an 'off' kind of day.  
[Bear :3]  
Everyone has those days, and I'm sure you have them too

Felix could agree with Woojin on that.

[Felix]  
I do

[Bear :3]  
Okay, my turn.

[Felix]  
Shoot

[Bear :3]  
So, how's it going with the crush thing? Any progress?

Felix pushed a spoonful of yogurt into his mouth, filling his mouth with the cold, tasty treat. It formed a huge contrast to the warmth inside his cheeks.

He could still remember the song Changbin played for him on his violin last night.

[Felix]  
Not really...  
[Felix]  
But he's still really nice to me

It was when Felix sent his messages that he realized what he'd just typed. A cold shiver ran down his spine when he saw that Woojin had seen the message, and he was about to type another message when Woojin sent his next text.

[Bear :3]  
'He'?

Felix reasoned that he didn't need to worry if Woojin turned out unaccepting of who he liked. They didn't know each other in real life, and Woojin didn't even know his surname. So Felix had nothing to worry about. Absolutely nothing.

[Felix]  
My fingers slipped

[Bear :3]  
It's okay, you know?

[Felix]  
What is?

[Bear :3]  
That you like a guy instead of a girl. I'm sorry I assumed you were straight

[Felix]  
There's no reason to apologize, Woojin  
[Felix]  
And thanks for not having a problem with this

[Bear :3]  
You're welcome Felix :)  
[Bear :3]  
I hope the guy likes you back

[Felix]  
I hope so too

[Bear :3]  
Ask me another question

[Felix]  
Favourite colour?

[Bear :3]  
Red :)  
[Bear :3]  
Since you have an english name, are you a foreigner? And if so, where are you from?

[Felix]  
I wasn't born in Korea. I was born in Australia

[Bear :3]  
That's pretty cool!  
[Bear :3]  
I've always wanted to travel to different countries other than Korea.

[Felix]  
You can, you know?  
[Felix]  
When you get older and you have the money I guess

[Bear :3]  
Can't  
[Bear :3]  
I don't think I can

[Felix]  
Why?

[Bear :3]  
Barely have anything haha  
[Bear :3]  
I'm broke :(

[Felix]  
I barely have anything too at times, unless my dad gives me money  
[Felix]  
Do you have a job?

[Bear :3]  
I have a little something on the side that I work at from time to time. It's small, but at least I can get some money from it  
[Bear :3]  
I babysit

[Felix]  
I'm guessing you like kids then.

[Bear :3]  
Sometimes they can be a bit annoying, but I like them. Most of them like me too so it's all good ^^

[Felix]  
I don't think I can have a job, at least not yet. I'm too lazy to have one right now.

[Bear :3]  
Haha I get you. But sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do in order to make ends meet, or make things a little bit easier  
[Bear :3]  
It's kinda tough

Felix started realizing that he'd assumed a lot of wrong things about Woojin. When they'd started texting, Felix had been quick to think that the older male was one of those kids who had it easy in life and had so many friends to choose from. Felix knew he'd been wrong for assuming Woojin's life was perfect simply because of how happy and friendly Woojin sounded through his texts, but it was human nature to assume and categorize things even with little information to base them on.

Felix quickly typed in his next text.

[Felix]  
How so?

[Bear :3]  
It's my turn to ask questions lol

[Felix]  
Okay okay  
[Felix]  
Shoot

[Bear :3]  
Who do you live with?

[Felix]  
My dad. You?

[Bear :3]  
I live alone

[Felix]  
So your parents live somewhere else

[Bear :3]  
Well...it's kind of a long story  
[Bear :3]  
Dad's sick at the hospital so I have to take care of him. It's nothing serious, I just don't want anything bad to happen to him

[Felix]  
I'm sorry...  
[Felix]  
And what about your mom?

[Bear :3]  
She's out of state for an...indefinite amount of time, I think  
[Bear :3]  
My parents aren't together  
[Bear :3]  
But, isn't it my turn to ask you a question? o.0

Pity wasn't something Felix had the luxury of feeling, especially when many people had better lives than he did. And for Woojin, Felix still didn't pity him. He didn't sympathize with him either, because sympathy required feeling bad for someone even if you couldn't imagine ever being in their shoes. Instead, Felix _empathized_ with Woojin, because he could relate to him. He and Woojin had more in common than he originally thought, even though they weren't close and hadn't seen each other face to face yet.

[Felix]  
Yeah. I guess so

[Bear :3]  
Why doesn't your mom live with you?

Felix hadn't anticipated this question, and he wasn't prepared for it either. Right from when his mother had packed her bags and left the house, Felix's father had tried one too many times to taint the woman's reputation and personality in front of Felix, so Felix would feel nothing except hatred and loathing for the mother that wasn't there anymore.

Even so, Felix didn't heed to his father's plans, which would often enrage the man to no end. Now, Felix always made sure to keep whatever opinion he had of his mother to himself.

Taking a deep breath, Felix gave Woojin his response.

[Felix]  
My parents are also not together, so my mother's not around

[Bear :3]  
Do you still get to see her?

[Felix]  
No.

_______

Felix ended up talking to Woojin for the rest of the morning, in which he knew more and more about the older boy because of the series of questions they asked each other. He learned that Woojin was in his first year of college, and knew that majored in writing. Felix discerned that Woojin really liked to write, due to how excitedly he texted the Australian whenever something about writing got brought up.

Felix wondered if he'd ever know how it felt to get that _passionate_ over something in his life. No subject stood out to him in school, and a majority of his grades were average because he knew just what to put to get a measly pass. He wasn't interested in school, because many things had happened to take away any joy he might've felt in that institution. Not to mention, it was getting increasingly hard to study with everything that was going on right now.

Several times that he and Woojin texted, Felix thought of Changbin.

Felix knew the shorter boy was still in school right about now, and often wondered what Changbin did, where Changbin went, and who Changbin spoke to. Felix had no doubt that Changbin's popularity had increased the two days he'd stayed home, and he had a feeling that many more people liked Changbin now and some wouldn't mind dating him.

Felix wondered if Changbin had his eye on someone. If he did, Felix bet it was a girl. Their school had a lot of pretty girls who Changbin could easily like. It was only a matter of time.

_______

Changbin called Felix later that afternoon. Felix immediately picked up, unable to get rid of the adrenaline that raced through his veins because of the simple fact that Changbin had called him.

"Hey Felix," Changbin greeted from the other line. He sounded happy, which was the perfect description of how Felix felt during those first few seconds of hearing his voice. "How are you feeling? Better now?"

Felix tugged on his hoodie strings, curling them around his fingers and inhaling deeply. His heart was beating too fast. "Yeah, I feel better now. Thank you for asking."

"You don't need to thank me," Changbin reasoned, "I'm doing this because I really like you. I like being your friend."

If Felix's heart was racing before, then his heart was running a marathon now. "I like being your friend too."

Changbin chuckled. "I'm glad you feel that way. At first, I thought I kind of annoyed you. I mean, I ramble a lot at times, like how I'm doing right now, so I thought you'd get fed up of me eventually."

Felix quickly shook his head. "No! I'm not...fed up of you, Changbin. I...I don't think I can, actually."

He could hear the smile in Changbin's voice as he replied to him.

"That's great, really great. Did you eat anything this morning? And, have you eaten lunch?"

The fact that Changbin cared _this_ much about whether or not Felix ate made the Australian feel... happy. Ecstatic. Joyful. He'd hadn't felt that way for a long time, but when Changbin suddenly came and weaved his way into Felix's life, he changed a lot of things. Changbin was like music to Felix. He was like an escape from the harsh reality of life for the Australian, and made Felix _forget_.

"Uh, Felix? You there?"

"Oh," Felix let out, clearing his throat as he spoke. "Sorry-- I got a bit distracted."

Felix's room was deathly quiet, but Felix didn't mind it because of the bright laughter that Changbin gave out at that moment.

"You get distracted a _lot_ ," Changbin pointed out, "It's kinda funny."

"It's not," Felix weakly argued, but Changbin laughed even more. He couldn't even pretend to be mad, because how could he when he could hear Changbin's pretty laugh. "It's _not_..."

"Okay okay," Changbin chuckled, "whatever you say. Hey, are you alone right now?"

"...Yeah, I am. Dad's working," Felix mumbled, not knowing where Changbin was going with that question.

"Okay, I just thought about this right now, but can you come over? Mom's working too, and I'm alone. You can bring your books along too, since I have the notes that you missed," Changbin said.

At hearing that, Felix's pulse picked up and alarm bells blared through his mind. He wouldn't mind going to Changbin's house, he really wouldn't, but he wasn't in the best physical state right now. To simply put it, Felix looked like shit. And he never wanted Changbin to see how he looked right now.

"I don't know," Felix started after some seconds. "I don't really look great right now..."

"I don't mind, Felix. Really, I don't. I'm not superficial like that. I just...thought it'd be nice if you came over..."

Felix wasn't a person that got persuaded easily, but he supposed that there had to be an exception at some point in time. And that exception came in the form of Seo Changbin.

_______

Felix felt like tendrils of ice were forming inside of him with every breath he took as the distance between him and his house grew bigger. Warmth was a foreign subject right about now, and no matter how many times he rubbed his hands together, his palms still felt cold.

The black hoodie on him also did nothing to dispel the coldness that tried to drown him. The sleeves hung over his arms, covering whatever marks they could from the eyes of passing strangers. His hood also shielded his face, preventing his black hair from being pushed back by the breeze forming in his neighbourhood.

He'd showered and gotten dressed on time because he wanted to get to Changbin's place as early as possible, before his father could arrive and thwart his plans. Just the mere thought of Changbin's face gave Felix the motivation to keep on braving the freezing atmosphere, despite how hollow and painful his joints felt with every movement he made.

When Changbin's familiar and homey house appeared in Felix's view, he shoved his hands into his pockets and hurried towards the door. The only thing Felix could hear at the moment was his heartbeat ringing in his ears. He nervously bit on his lip as he pressed the doorbell, hearing the sound reverberate all through the house even with how faint it sounded.

Changbin was smiling when he opened the door for Felix, and pulled the door further back to allow the taller male inside the house.

Felix carefully placed his school bag off to one side in the living room whilst trying to ignore Changbin's eyes on him.

"I'm glad you're around," Changbin said as he closed the front door. After he did so, he walked to where Felix was, watching as the Australian took out a couple books from his bag before putting them on the table. "My house can get pretty quiet at times when no one else but me is at home."

Felix nodded, seating on the sofa and subconsciously pulling at the sleeves of his hoodie, just like he always did whenever he got nervous. Despite doing all that he could to try and cover up the bruised parts of his face, it would still be obvious that he got hurt if someone looked at him directly. Felix just hoped that Changbin wouldn't react badly when he saw his face.

"Would you like anything? I have some frozen pizza that I could microwave, only if you want," Changbin told Felix, making the latter watch for a short time.

Felix nodded. "Yeah. I'd like that."

"Okay."

Felix watched as Changbin made his way to the kitchen, admiring how the shorter male looked in his red long sleeved shirt and shorts. What Changbin wore wasn't particularly eye-catching, but Changbin made them look good and stand out. Felix was pretty sure that the older male could pull off any colour, especially with how attractive he looked all the time.

Felix must've been watching Changbin too much, because the shorter boy caught his eye after putting the pizza into the microwave. In an instant, Felix broke the eye contact, fully aware that he was blushing right about now. He was always blushing lately, feeling happier and seeing the world in more vibrant colours, all because of Changbin.

Changbin sat next to him some seconds later. "The pizza's going to be ready soon. I'm gonna give you the notes I got yesterday and today."

"Okay." Felix flashed a light smile, facing Changbin so that their eyes could meet. Felix thought Changbin's eyes looked amazing, and he couldn't look away. Changbin also smelt nice; _really_ nice, and Felix thought of how it'd feel like if he could just reach over and hug the shorter, or hold his hand.

Changbin wasn't looking away either.

Felix wondered if Changbin saw him the way he saw Changbin, wondered if Changbin thought of him as beautiful, or interesting, or smart, or funny. Did Changbin want to hold him too? To take Felix's hand in his and never let go? Did Changbin ever wonder how Felix's lips would feel against his, as Felix often wondered about him too?

Felix's heart jumped when Changbin leaned in and gently placed his hands on Felix's hood, pulling it down for him. The Australian felt stripped down under Changbin's gaze, unable to breathe properly as Changbin cupped the side of his face with his hand.

"...What happened?" Changbin questioned, worry evident in his tone. "How'd you...get these bruises?"

Felix let his eyes fall on his lap, too ashamed to meet Changbin's eyes. His heart still raced, but now it was for a new reason entirely. Felix felt _afraid_ ; like he was being cornered and held against his own will. "I already told you. I got a little hurt."

"Felix--"

"I don't want to talk about it," Felix said, hating how his voice cracked at the end. The last thing he wanted was to make Changbin worry about him more than he already did, and he really didn't want Changbin to be involved in the matter between him and his father. "I really don't."

Changbin kept on staring at him, unable to say anything for a while. His hand was still holding Felix's face, running the thumb over Felix's bruised cheekbone which sent tremors down Felix's spine.

Felix took the initiative to look into Changbin's eyes, anticipating the look of pity, or judgement in them. But to his surprise, there was nothing like that. Instead, Changbin smiled at him, eyes shining with kindness, like always.

"Felix, I--I know it's not my place, but whenever you want to talk, I'm there. ...I care about you, and I always want to help. Would you let me?"

Felix leaned into Changbin's touch, and then he nodded. Forgetting just for a brief second about reality and restrictions and consequences, Felix allowed his eyes to drift from Changbin's eyes to his lips.

When Changbin slowly, almost pain-stakingly, put a strand of Felix's hair behind his ear, Felix found the space between him and Changbin rapidly decreasing. The Australian could feel Changbin's steady breath on his lips. Changbin was close enough for Felix to count each freckle on his face individually, and close enough to see Changbin's smooth eyelashes in fine detail.

Then the microwave dinged, startling both boys from their trance. Almost immediately, Changbin pushed himself away, hands holding his cushioney material of the sofa in a vice-like grip.

"I--I should go check the pizza," Changbin blurted, pulling himself up to his feet and putting more distance between him and the frazzled Australian. "I'll be back..."

Felix just nodded, barely registering Changbin's sudden abruptness. His head pounded with thoughts that scolded him because of what he'd been planning on doing. What was he _thinking_? He'd just ruined everything, and he was _sure_ Changbin hated him now. He had to leave, he had to--

"I got the pizza," Changbin announced, bringing along with him two plates that had heated pepperoni pizza on them. The tasty smell wafting off from them distracted Felix for a little while, but he felt very self-conscious as soon as Changbin sat next to him. "We'll eat and then we'll go straight to the notes, okay?"

Felix cleared his throat, "Yeah." He took a pizza slice and bit into it, noting how delicious the pizza tasted in his mouth. But still, the food wasn't enough to distract Felix from the unspoken words hanging in the awkward air, and the giant elephant in the room.

Felix wanted to help clean the plates after they were done eating, but Changbin lightheartedly assured him that he didn't need to, and thanked him anyway. The shorter male was gradually reversing back to his usual carefree state, making Felix think that he'd imagined all that had happened earlier between them.

But, everything had felt too... _real_ to simply toss it aside like that. Felix definitely remembered how close their lips were to brushing against each other, to the feeling of Changbin's soft breathing on his lips, to how Changbin had stroked Felix's cheek with his thumb almost... _lovingly_.

 _That_ had to be real, right?

Felix kept silent the majority of the time he'd spent taking down the notes that he missed from Changbin's books, listening as Changbin carefully explained some of their homework to him. After that was done, Changbin grabbed the remote and plopped on the seat next to Felix, putting it to Netflix on the TV without wasting any time.

"Let's watch something," Changbin spoke out, "a show, maybe."

Felix voiced out his agreement, gulping when Changbin's shoulder rubbed against his as the shorter male leaned back into the sofa. Felix's heart was skipping beats, inside a chest that was swallowed up in jolts of fuzzy warmth and excited butterflies. His hands became clammy, refusing to get completely dry even after he rubbed them on his jeans many times.

Changbin was really close to him, enclosing Felix in his body heat and cologne. His hair grazed and tickled Felix's ear, and his arms met Felix's own one too many times as the show went on. Everything was too much of a sensory overload for Felix, and the nervous Australian didn't know what to do.

Changbin laughed a lot while they watched the show's episodes, and Felix stored every single smile, laughter, giggle and low chuckle inside his brain. He liked it anytime Changbin laughed and looked happy, and today was no exception.

It was when the fourth episode ended that Changbin stretched his arms, chuckling as he said he was getting quite tired. When his and Felix's eyes locked, he grinned.

"Do you wanna watch more episodes? It's getting pretty interesting," asked Changbin, patiently awaiting Felix's answer.

"I guess," Felix replied, unable to stop himself from staring at the shorter's lips once again.

Then Changbin's eyes unfocused, his smile slowly wiping off from his face. He suddenly didn't look so carefree anymore. In fact, he looked serious, which was totally weird.

But Felix didn't _have_ time to go over why Changbin looked at him like that, because in the next second, Felix felt alive and his heart soared--

\--because _Changbin_ kissed _him_.


End file.
